First of all, I am very proud of this title and stand by it, even though my husband informed me it doesn’t make sense so I had to explain it to him. And my husband is a very smart man, so if you get it, congrats! You are officially smarter than my husband!

Back to the matter at hand, after WEEKS of waiting and 72 full hours during which lives and destinies were shaped for the cast in Paradise, we are finally getting our first rose ceremony of the season. This should have happened episode 1, but since the entire show was filmed over the course of only 18 days they have to stretch each one of those days out into an entire episode each.

Right off the bat I am excited because the producers have finally taken a break from ruining lives and made time to make the cast intro promos! Highlights include Shanea in front of the massive bonfire literally burning it all down is everything. AND YES DRUNK LACE falling off a log with a marg. Girl, I love you. Never change. And of course Jesse Palmer throws a football. Also love you Jesse. Also never change.

Cut to directly where we left off last night which was Romeo ugly crying over the mess he created by completely overestimating his appeal and generally acting like a shady asshole.

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Look. Lindsay Lohan has had quite an… Intense past 18 years, which is how long ago Mean Girls came out, and if you feel old hearing that, it’s because you are.

It’s anybody’s guess what LiLo has been up to since then. I think she did a couple low budge indie films no one saw, got engaged a couple times, opened a bar in Mykonos (?). So basically a whole bunch of super normal, sane life choices.

I don’t really blame LiLo for her life trajectory. She clearly had awful people around her who did not look out for her best interests as a child. Very much a Britney Spears scenario. But I do root for her (just like I do my precious Brit Brit), so I will be absolutely watching her Christmas movie as soon as it drops November 10 on Netflix.

And yes, I will be watching every single Christmas movie that drop of Netflix this year, just like last year and the year before, and all the years to come of my life. But in a previous post I asked what bottom basement D-list celebs Netflix would drudge up for their annual mediocre Christmas movie bonanza that I am extremely emotionally dependent on, and now I feel like my question has been at least partially answered.

I do hope Netflix have more up their sleeve than Lindsey Lohan. Last year we got Brooke Shields and Carey Elwes (😍😍😍) so I’m hoping this is not the best Netflix has got for us this holiday season.

Peak Christmas.

Any seasoned Bachelor in Paradise viewer knows that episode 2 and on is all about the new kids. No matter how gorgeous your current partner is, a new person is always hotter. Nothing beats new. It’s science. Just ask Chris Rock:

The episode’s first science experiment proving my hypothesis is Victoria F., who arrives waving the traditional date card flag in everyone’s faces, sending the girls panicking, and the guys… doing nothing but sitting there because thats all the guys have to do this week since they have the roses. God they’re smug.

Victoria interviews men for her date and settles on Justin, who Genevieve has already fallen madly in love with in the past 24 hours. Cut to Genevieve sobbing in the bathroom. Justin pulls her for a chat and Genevieve – to her credit – plays it fucking cool as hell. I respect that. Meanwhile she tells the camera, deadpan, that she hopes the date goes terribly. I also respect that.

Kira is sort of becoming my favorite skank on the beach because she understands what the show is about and doesn’t hide it. She lectures Genevieve about putting all her eggs in one basket and how she should have explored other connections. Strangely reasonable advice coming from the chick who was having a catfight in the sand over a dude not 12 hours earlier.

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Bachelor in Paradise is back and the weeks of your life you lost sitting through the past year’s seasons of Bachelor and Bachelorette are about to finally pay off in the form of vaguely recognizing maybe half the cast members. Personally I’ve never missed an episode of Bach/lorette and I still only recognize about five people.

Let’s start off with the most important thing about this season (besides Lace, who will we get to in a second). OLD PARADISE IS BACK, BABY. Post- Corinne Olympios/ DeMario Jackson hot tub blackout sexual encounter/ assault back in 2017, Paradise has been a shell of it’s former self. Don’t get me wrong – I think what happened with Corinne was bad and handled by the show even worse. And DeMario has since been credibly accused of rape by three more women since, sooo there’s that.

The result of this scandal was the show missing the rest of the season, then coming back with limited drinking, no more Hideaway/ sex loft, and no more hot tub. Look, the drinking, hideaway, and hot tub were not to blame – DeMario was. But the show had to make a gesture and this was it.

Apparently the producers have decided that five years is enough time for the show to spend in Horny Gulag, and now the show is back to its old drunk whoring ways again. They aren’t even trying to hide it – the promotional poster for the season is literally two pool floaty swans fucking, with the tagline (in case you couldn’t get the point with the swans) “everybody’s down to flock.” FLOCK. GET IT!?!?!? I think the show might need to go back to Horny Gulag just for that poster.

So welcome back to copious amounts of liquor day and night (one girl is literally clutching a wine glass stumbling around in the sand at 10am), everyone is constantly chocolate-wasted, and THE HIDEAWAY IS BACK BABY (renamed the “Boom boom room” which feels like an overcorrection but OK). Also back is the infamous hot tub/ scene of the crime, and it’s wasting no time seeing some action.

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Look, we are on Season 547,652 of 90 Day Fiancé (+ fill in the blank spinoff). There is no way to begin to summarize what is going on with this show and these people, some of which are on their fifth or sixth season of this mess by now, so I am not even going to try. Instead here are my thoughts on the couples in the current season of one of the 25,000 spinoffs, 90 Day Fiancé: Happily Ever After:

Bilal and Shaheeda: I will spend the most time on this couple because I have the most to say. Let’s start with this: Bilal. Is. An. Asshole. Seriously, I hate this man so much. He is rude, cold, unloving, and controlling. Shaheeda is a saint for putting up with him, but she is also clearly suffering inside from the cruelty and emotional neglect.

Let’s remember (if you’ve been watching this season), this is a man who thought it was funny to “test” his fiancée’s “motivations” by picking her up from the airport – her first time arriving in America – in a rented, filthy run-down van, instead of his C-Class Mercedes sedan, and then proceed to take her to a whole entire FAKE CRAPPY HOUSE AND PRETENDING TO LIVE THERE. What in the gaslighting mind games actual fuck.

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Yellowstone is the kind of show that is so incredible and I hold in such high regard I am not sure I can even write about it because words feel inadequate compared to the depth of perfection this show reaches.

That said I am not going to deprive my audience of 2 of the best news of the day which is that the Yellowstone Season 5 full trailer is finally out and let me just say: Fuck. Yes.

John Dutton is attorney general and Beth is going to be his new chief of staff and that’s all I need to know.

Look if you are not already watching this show there’s probably not much I can say to convince you what an epic Yellowstone-sized void there is in your life. This is probably my top 1 or 2 show of all time. Someday I will rank and you can see where it actually falls – I know it’s truly an edge of seat moment.

If you have an unnatural obsession with this show like me the new trailer will likely give you chills and possibly tears if excitement like me. If you do not yet have an unnatural obsession I highly recommend developing one. It’s the best thing I ever did.

After the traumatic events of two days ago when I was misled by a scammy Facebook post into thinking YOU was slated to return on October 15 of this year, the evil overlords at Netflix have finally announced the real date for Season 4 of YOU and it’s February 10, 2023. They also dropped a 1:30 teaser trailer. THANK YOU LITTLE BABY JESUS.

However, this news is bittersweet because five months is ENTIRELY too long to wait. I feel very misled by all the websites that promised me before the end of the year based on exactly zero information or reliable sources. I. Needed. To. Believe.

Regardless, Valentine’s Day is a predictably poetic date for the release of Season 4, so I will allow it.

According to the trailer, our favorite narrator/ serial killer has moved across the pond to escape his demons as well as the legal consequences of his actions, which are truly piling up as fast as the bodies.

This show is in my top 10 Netflix shows of all time. Someday I will probably review the previous season when I rewatch it in anticipation of the next, but today is not that day.

It’s incomprehensible to me that there is anyone left who has not yet discovered the delicious scandalous perfection that is YOU. But if such a person exists, thankfully there is a cure for your disorder – it’s called binging seasons 1-3 on Netflix. You can thank me later. Or now. I like flowers and vodka.

Spent the first 15 minutes convinced this was Shailene Woodley. Side note – is she still dating Aaron Rodgers? Because that made sense, right?

Ok so it’s not Shailene Woodley because Shailene Woodley, like me and everyone other human on the planet, has aged and is no longer 25. But I feel like I haven’t seen her in a movie since she was 25/ play anyone over the age of 25 in a movie, like, ever?

I just googled and learned how to spell “Shailene” properly, and also learned she is 30 and the last thing I saw her in was Big Little Lies (uhh Tell Me Lies? Big Little Lies? Hmmm.) which hasn’t been on since 2019 (excuse me, what happened to season 3??) so really I haven’t seen her in anything since she was 27 and she actually is a lot younger than I thought she was.

I also learned that she has a pretty fierce mugshot from when she was protesting the Dakota Pipeline.

I am still not convinced this actress I am watching now is not Shailene Woodley. Like, I know she isn’t, but is she? Shailene Woodley seems like she could be some kind of shape shifting forest fairy sprite. Just saying I’m not taking it off the table yet. But I will get over it and move on (probably not).

Grace Van Patton (Shailene Woodley) plays Lucy Albright who is clearly the main character here. This is clearly going to be a time-jump situation where we are starting in the present but flashing back to the past, namely 2015 when Lucy is heading to college at “Baird” is clearly supposed to be a small private liberal arts school on the east coast which makes me nostalgic for my own small private liberal arts school on the east coast days.

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This show was on my list long before won ALL the Emmy’s. Just making sure everyone knows I am not a bandwagoner!! Jk who TF cares.

Abbot Elementary is a “mock-umentrary” like The Office, Reno 911, or Parks & Recreation, so the characters are interviewed by a never-seen “cameraman” in between scenes, and during scenes the casts looks directly at the camera (usually that indicate something like “wtf” or “this bitch”). The effect is just as hilarious if not more than it’s predecessors.

Abbott Elementary is set in a public elementary school and follows the teachers/ staff and students as they navigate the insane bureaucracy of the public school system, as well as interpersonal relationships and issues with the adorable but sometimes hellish kids they teach. The public school system in this country could be the subject of a truly depressing documentary (or movie – see, Dangerous Minds – yes, I’m old. Gangster’s Paradise y’all!). But the show’s genius is it doesn’t pretend these aspects don’t exist. The show fully embraces the rougher aspects (like the total lack of funds for supplies) of public school life and highlights the absolute absurdity of the issues. It’s also an homage to the teachers who subject themselves to this insane system daily out of the love for what they do.

I am picky about comedies because it is not my genre of choice. Not even top three. A lot of universally loved comedies I find unwatchable (see: New Girl, Simpsons/Family Guy (ugh ugh ugh), Modern Family, etc.) Abbot Elementary is not one of those. It’s truly funny and heartwarming. But I also count Parks and Recreation at the top of my comedy list so this is clearly squarely in my comedy wheelhouse.

One of the first scenes is a classroom of first graders going absolute goblin mode over Baby Shark, while the teacher comments directly to the camera that it’s like adults with Back that Azz Up. First of all, Back that Azz Up is one of the greatest songs of all time and, like the first graders with Baby Shark, I also go absolute goblin mode when it comes on. Thank god I went to college before smart phones were invented.

The characters also follow a tried and true formula for this type of show, but it’s not boring. You have the eager overachiever aka Parks and Rec’s Leslie Knope, the salty veteran employee (Ron Swanson), the cringey white dude who is too stupid to understand how offensive he is (Andy), the bitter sarcastic girl (April) etc. But it works because the jokes and situations are genuinely fresh and funny.

I can’t really binge comedies because I get bored. I only made it through two episodes but I’m confidently giving this show….

4.5 stars!

*Update – I did not, in fact, stop watching, and instead watched the entirety of the first season in one sitting. The show has no flaws and I have no complaints. Watch it.

Do Revenge is smart and hilarious and is the closest anything has come to Clueless/ Heathers territory since… Clueless and Heathers. It’s way above average for a typical Netflix movie, which can range from absolute shit to strongly mediocre. Don’t get me wrong, that’s what I love and expect from Netflix. Especially around the holidays which is when Netflix is at it’s peak mediocrity glory. I am already dying to see which aging movie star they have pulled out of their dungeons for this season’s headline film. Last year it was Brooke Shields and it was flawless.

BACK TO Do Revenge. This movie probably could have been in theaters if this was 5-10 years ago. It’s smart and witty and raunchy in a good way. I am unashamed to admit I love Camila Mendes and all her Riverdale glory. I also completely respect her ability to play a credible high school student at the age of 29. You go girl.

Maya Hawke got on my nerves by the end of Stranger Things (don’t @ me). I think they overdid her character’s neurosis and made it feel forced and uncomfortable. But she is undeniably a great actress and its fun to look at the creation that is Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman’s doppelgängers smashed together.

I’m not really into plot summaries and there’s like ten million websites doing it better than me if that’s what you want. But I will just say the premise is two high school girls scorned by different cliques who team up to exact revenge on each other’s sworn enemies, and what follows is truly hilarious and unique and downright dirty and fun. The plot is not as predictable as you might think from my one-sentence description, and the best part is in the execution and also a surprising twist that might be a little foreseeable at least halfway through, but then twists again into an unforeseeable and very satisfying conclusion.

4.5 stars for the movie.

5+++ stars for the fashion.