Netflix dropped another big movie last week (aka, a special effects and casting budget that makes you wonder exactly how much money Netflix has to spend, and why they aren’t spending any of this money on WRITERS??). Seriously – this movie has EVERYTHING (Stefan voice) – witches, magic, magical creatures, a school for magic that looks suspiciously like the rejected sketches for Hogwarts, Charlize Theron’s hair, Laurence Fishburne’s tiny little sunglasses, Cate Blanchett’s voice, Olivia Pope, and Michelle frickin’ Yeoh.

Look, I love myself some A-list celebrities. But I get a little suss when so many A-List celebrities are packed into one movie. It feels very overcompensating-y, and suspiciously like we are trying to be distracted from the fact that the movie itself is pretty mediocre (ahem, Wes Anderson). Like when you distract a baby with a shiny object so that it doesn’t notice the doctor giving it a shot. Netflix, I am not a baby!!

The School for Good and Evil is right up my alley, in theory. It’s about magical school that divides its students between “good” and “evil” and trains them to be the future princesses and villains of fairytales. Or something like that.

Two girls from a local town find out about the school, and one of the girls, convinced she is destined to be a storybook princess, writes to the school begging them to take her. The school grants her request, but her best friend accidentally gets swept up (literally) and they both get dropped into the school – only the wannabe princess gets put into villain-training at the school for Evil, and her reluctant stowaway best friend into princess-training at the school for Good.

From the start things are not exactly what they seem at either school, and there are some mysterious dark forces working in the background that provide the necessary conflict and ultimate resolution of the plot. The story is fun and moves along quickly. The celebrity distractions work. This movie isn’t trying to be too serious, and while it does end with a tease for a sequel, there are no unanswered questions when the credits roll (THANK GOD).

It’s an easy movie to watch and enjoy but in the end its nothing spectacular. Most of the top named celebs are only on screen for a few minutes, save for Charlize and Kerry who get maybe 10 minutes apiece. Michelle Yeoh has maybe three lines and they are all cringe.

Which is the next problem – the writing is dismal. It truly is. The story itself has plenty of potential. And I am sure the book this is based on is far better than the adaptation. There are some genuinely great moments mixed in with the cringey one-liners and jokes that fall flat. And Charlize Theron’s performance alone is reason enough to watch this movie.

Look, if you like Harry Potter-y things you will enjoy this movie. I do and I did. Part of my problem could be that this genre is so directly in my wheelhouse that I am more critical than a more passive viewer would be. Do I wish they had spent more money on writers instead of superfluous celebrity castings? Yes. Will I watch this movie more than once? No. Will I watch the sequel when it comes out? Definitely yes.

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Ugh, this show had SO much potential. So, so much. And I don’t mean like The Midnight Club which had potential in the premise but didn’t live up to it for even one single episode. The Watcher had potential up until the very last episode and then it just dropped the ball so spectacularly it’s hard to even understand how someone as talented as Ryan Murphy could fuck up such a perfect tee up for a grand finale.

The Watcher is based on a very true story but obviously, like any adaptation of a true story, takes many liberties and involves lots of fictional narratives for entertainment value. And the first few episodes of the Watcher were genuinely creepy and had some of the jump scares I was left wanting after Midnight Club. And it doesn’t hurt that Netflix clearly dropped some serious $$$ on casting – Naomi Watts is the one of the two leads, and the cast includes Jennifer Coolidge, Bobby Cannavale, and Shooter McGavin/ Christopher McDonald. Oh, and friggin MIA FARROW. Almost every actor that comes onscreen is recognizable from something else, so you know Netflix means for this to be a big big show for them.

And it almost was. The premis: a family moves from New York City to the suburbs and buys a big beautiful colonial mansion starts receiving freaky letters soon after moving in from someone calling themselves “The Watcher.” The Watcher claims they have been watching the house for decades, and the letters indicate this person is definitely currently watching them, as they contain personal facts and details about the new family and their daily activities.

The letters also are creepy as hell and also vaguely threatening – suggesting there is something hidden in the walls of the house, asking whether they could hear their kids scream if they are playing in the basement, and telling them that the house needs “young blood” indicating what – a sacrifice? Plus some fucked up things start happening in the house, like music playing over an ancient intercom, a pet ferret unexplainably ending up dead in the upstairs hallway, etc. (There is another IMO unnecessary dead pet scene and if this triggers you like it does me, stay away from the whole show. Not worth it.)

The Watcher letters keep coming, local police chief Shooter McGavin seems totally uninterested in investigating, leading the audience to think there is something going on that we don’t yet know about, like the local police are somehow in on it? Or are interested in not letting this story get out and wrecking property values in their small town? We don’t know. There is also the real estate agent who sold them the home (Jennifer Coolidge) who, as usual, gives a great performance as someone whose motivations/ involvement in the letters we are also left to question – she shifty about the previous owners, and is also constantly encouraging the current owners to sell and re-list the home with her – at a much lower price than they paid, of course. The possibility that Jennifer Coolidge and/ or her boss is behind the letters because they want the house for themselves is dangled in front of us more than once.

Other “suspects” include a few very creepy neighbors who are rude and unwelcoming and making general weird comments to the new family. The show lays out a LOT of suspects, and even more than I’ve mentioned here by the end of the show. By the last episode we truly have no clue how this is going to end and that’s the sign of a good mystery.

The family hires a private investigator to help them figure out who the Watcher is, who we also suspect could be leading them astray, as she also seems a little off base with her investigations and the family was directed to her by the equally suspicious local police chief.

And during all this time the family is slowly torn apart by the madness of being tormented by this unknown figure, slash also becoming unnaturally obsessed with the house themselves.

Over the first 6 episodes of the 7 episode series the show lays out a ton of mysteries, tons of plausible suspects, hints at even a supernatural element, leading up a finale with the audience well primed and very ready for a satisfying payoff. Even if we don’t solve the main mystery of the Watcher’s identity (I did not google the real story before watching so I didn’t know whether this aspect was ever solved), there were plenty of fictional mysteries to give us fictional answers to.

Spoiler alert: There is nothing solved. Now to be fair, I learned after watching the show that the real-life mystery of the actual identity of the Watcher was never solved. Fine. I can live with that. But what I cannot live with are all the fictional plot lines and mysteries we absolutely could have been given answers to but were not.

For example, we never find out: What was up with the real estate agent, what was up with either set of creepy neighbors, what was up with the former owner of the house and what did he see, what was up with fucking JOHN GRAFF or if there even WAS a John Graff, what was up with the security installer/ boyfriend, what was up with the local police being discouraging of the case???

And for the love of god, WHAT WAS UP WITH THE SECRET TUNNELS IN THE BASEMENT?? I mean we are seriously asked to believe that this family finds tunnels under their house that look very much like they are connecting the house to other properties in the neighborhood – which could explain how someone was getting in and out of the house undetected to do creepy things like murder pets, play music, and stage some weirdo porn with the sleeping husband one night – they go into said tunnels, FIND SOMEONE IN THE TUNNELS who runs from them and then disappears, and they never investigate further!?!?! They find a full-on bedroom down there that looks currently lived in and they simply never go back in?? Never try and find the hidden exit to the passages, or even try and map out which house the dead ends (WHICH ARE CLEALY NOT REALLY DEAD) appear to end at. It’s the least believable part of this entire story.

We, the audience, see that the person in the tunnels is John Graff/ not John Graff (another unsolved fucking mystery), one of the supposed former owners who murdered his family in the house after being driven insane by the Watcher letters (but this was also a fake story?), and he is now being harbored at neighbor Mia Farrow’s house. How long has he been there? If the John Graff story is false, as we are led to believe, who is this rando in the tunnels living with Mia Farrow? No answers.

And then there is a whole bunch of unnecessary nonsense with the private investigator claiming on her deathbed it was really her who was the Watcher, providing a moment of peace to the family, only for it to turn out it wasn’t her. Ugh. But then why was she sort of weird about helping them solve the mystery? Is it because they were referred to her by the also disinterested local police chief? We never find out, which is dumb because these are fictional plot elements that did not occur in the real life story and there is nothing preventing giving us answers except Ryan Murphy being a pretentious dick.

I read the real story of the Watcher after I finished the show, and the most hilarious (in an unhinged, insane, fuck you Ryan Murphy way) part is that the true story is WAY MORE INTERESTING than the show. I’m already too over this entire experience thing to explain why, but you can read the true story here, or a non-paywall version is here. I highly recommend that over watching this show.

Night one this week was pretty much just one giant buildup to the women’s rose ceremony (FUCKING FINALLY – seriously, these people are in Paradise for 18 days and it already feels like 10 thousand years) and then we are presented with the MOST SHOCKING TWIST EVER IN BACHELOR IN PARADISE HISTORY, which is… that the Bachelor in Paradise is going to copy Love Island. More on that in a bit.

I was away from my computer while watching Monday and I’m way too lazy to type this shit on my phone, so here is a quick rundown of what I can remember happening – Casey tells Brittany all the shit Pizza Pete was talking about her, then gets so overwhelmed by the drama of his meddling he faints and has to be carted off by paramedics, never to be seen or heard from or even mentioned again. Off the show. Then Danielle Maltby who I vaguely remember from a really ancient season shows up is delivered to Michael minutes before the rose ceremony, because they have not finished playing out the widower storyline yet (and as we are immediately reminded, Danielle is an almost-widower, having lost her fiancée 9 years ago). I don’t mean to sound callous about these very real and very awful losses in these people’s lives, but I’m sorry, the show made it callous when it used them for plot points and cheap entertainment value. Oh, and Pizza Pete self-eliminates before the rose ceremony screaming BONJOURNO BITCHES – which, as I know from my 1 week spent in Italy, translates to “good morning, bitches” and it was NIGHTTIME. WHOSE THE BITCH NOW, PETER!??

Speaking of cheap entertainment value, the SHOCKING TWIST is that Bachelor in Paradise is doing their own version of Love Island’s Casa Amor and having the “old” women move out of the beachside villas, and bringing in fresh new women for the men.

Now the reason Casa Amor works so well on Love Island is because 1) each season of the show is literally 10 million years long (there are 60 episodes a season!), 2) relatively few new arrivals come in and out 3) the cast is incentivized to form a legit romantic connection because they win a cash prize if the audience likes their relationship best (aka finds it most plausible) in the end. This means the cast of Love Island has the time and motivation to have actual real relationships with each other, and they actually do, with a lot of relationships still going long after the show is over (maybe because they don’t force them to get engaged!!). So on Love Island by the time Casa Amor rolls around the cast has usually been together at least a month and a half, and there are real relationships to be “tested” by the Casa Amor separation/ temptation.

Bachelor in Paradise is not Love Island. These people have been here for what, 5 days at this point? People are partner swapping daily, if not multiple times in a day. The only “couple” that has been together from “the beginning” (aka 96 hours ago) is Brandon and Serena. Everyone else is playing musical chairs and just trying to not be the person standing when the music stops. But beyond that couldn’t give a shit about the person they are coupled up with. I think the second “longest” couple is maybe Genevieve and Aaron, who have been together all of two days at this point.

So, as we’ve established, Casa Amor works as a dramatic plot twist because there are real relationships to test, and some truly devastating recouplings come out of it each season. But there are basically no real relationships on Paradise, so there is nothing interesting to test. At least that is my take going into it.

The new girls are trotted out towards the end of Monday’s episode and they are… underwhelming. The teasers for this week’s episode made it seem like they brought in some real bombshells (to borrow a Love Island term), but this is definitely the JV team. The boys are still salivating like hyenas because….. well….

The “old” girls, to their credit, completely acknowledge the fatality of their situation. They aren’t dumb. They know their connections at this point are about as strong as Lace’s fake eyelashes.

New girls include such (un)recognizable faces as Eliza from Clayton’s season, Sarah from Clayton’s season, Kate from Clayton’s season, Jessenia from Matt James’ season, and someone from Bachelor Australia named Florence. I totally forgot about Bachelor Australia. I did watch the first 3 seasons of Bachelor Canada though, and honestly, like all things, it was WAY better than the US version.

The OG ancient hags are having a variety of meltdowns while packing up their rooms. Someone needs to put Jill on suicide watch. She claims she is a “penguin” and when she finds her person, that’s it – her person being Jacob, who she has been coupled up with for, no joke, 24 hours. She also threatens to blow Jacob’s dick clean off if he cheats on her. OK so maybe prison for Jill? Could really go either way.

Everyone is threatening to leave. Look I don’t blame them, they know what’s up, they were all new puss-girls- at one point. Someone sit these girls down and show them just one single season of Love Island so they can see that all is not lost and their salvation in the form of new dicks of their very own is just around the corner. (Also, if anyone is going to watch a season of Love Island please make it Season 1 where everyone was drinking heavily 24-7, smoking like chimneys, and having porno sex on camera every night. It was absolute mayhem and absolute perfection.)

The old girls are silver-Escaladed off to their new accommodations which look like a gorgeous five star hotel and far better than the beach palapas they were in before. I don’t know exactly how bad things were down at the beach, but these girls are thrilled to see a bathroom. A BATHROOM. Yikes. Personally I would WAY rather be in this air conditioned hotel with 1000 thread count sheets, running hot water, and room service cocktails than back at camping at the beach.

The girls are pouting while basking in AC on the $7000 couches. Someone at least get these girls a drink! Who needs men when you have AC and margs!?

Finally, the girls can stop crying and moping because here are the NEW MEN. The girls are underwhelmed and honestly I feel bad for these dudes. The men back at the beach were literally jumping and cheering when the old girls drove off into the sunset, and these girls can barely be bothered to stand up for these new guys.

As far as the new men we have: Olu from Michelle Young’s season, Adam from Bachelorette Australia (hello Adam!), Tyler from Becca & Gabby’s season, Rick from Michelle’s season, and Alex from Rachel Lindsey’s season (um, hello Alex!).

Jill is unnaturally obsessed with Jacob – again, they have been together 24, maybe 48 hours? – and of course, cut to Jacob already making out with new girl Kate, and cut back to Jill stroking her crystals and crying in bed. HELLO JILL HAVE YOU SEEN ADAM HE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.

Shockingly, Aaron has stated he will remain loyal to Genevieve which… props to him I guess? Something tells me its less to do with Genevieve and more to do with not being interested in any of the new girls, but whatever. Johnny has also stated he will be loyal to Victoria (?) (I already forget who he is coupled up with).

Jacob, on the other hand, clearly understood the assignment. He knows this hot mess is what Paradise is all about and is taking full advantage right from the get go.

Shanea also understands the assignment (see I told you Jacob and Shanea were meant to be together!!) and is shooting her shot hard with Tyler, who has the sexual appeal of an apple, yet somehow all the women are fawning over him. Shanea is looking at him like a spider that’s caught a fly in her web, and is determined to drag him back to boom boom room for the night. But right as Shanea is going in for the kill, Jill comes and cockblocks with her sadness over Jacob. Truly, I don’t know if this is just a particularly savage edit or Jill is actually insane. I hate to say it but Jacob is making the right choice dragging his dick all over the beach.

It’s a new day and Rodney is smitten with new girl Eliza – they are literally making life plans together soooooo, sorry Lace! Let’s be real though, him and Lace made no sense together and were only coupled up out of convenience/ lack of better options. I truly hope Lace jumps on that Australian stallion Adam STAT because she deserves the best dick paradise has to offer and he is IT.

Cut to Lace sobbing in bed over Rodney. WTF! GIRL you guys were together for 24 hours!! Why are these women wasting tears over these extremely mediocre men who they have known for literal minutes. You have five brand new extremely hot, extremely DTF men outside. Whoever said “these hoes ain’t loyal” clearly never watched a season of Bachelor in Paradise. Because these hoes are psychotically loyal!!

Despite Jill being in full on breakdown mode in the 48 hours since she’s been away from Jacob, apparently Lace is the one who really can’t handle her separation from Rodney because she is hopping into a silver Escalade of DEATH and heading back to the OG Villa to…. See if Rodney feels the same? Spoiler alert – Rodney does not feel the same. He is essentially wifed-up with Eliza and currently snuggling her on a romantic dinner. This tragic moment at Lace’s expense is so clearly scripted by the producers I can’t really take it seriously.

Lace waltzes in and you can tell the guys actually genuinely feel bad for her embarrassing herself this badly. They very nicely ask her if she’s ok, and invite her to sit with them while she waits for Rodney to get back from his date. Predictably, Rodney returns hand in hand with Eliza, breaking Lace’s heart. HOW DARE HE!!!

And of course we have to wait until next week to see how THAT all plays out. Probably not well for Lace. I sincerely hope she goes back to the villa and has air-conditioned sex with Adam. For the love of god someone needs to!!

Are Ashley and Jared seriously still in Paradise?! I get they are the show’s little darlings, despite the fact that both times they were on the show JARED CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE. And look, props to the girl for never giving up and eventually getting her man. They are actually a very cute couple who seem genuinely happy and functional. I wish the show would embrace their tortured history rather than pretend they fell in love in Paradise which they most certainly did not.

After what feels like weeks of waiting, Salley is here to join her suitcase, and I honestly do NOT understand why all the men are so excited and the women are so threatened. Salley is a HOT MESS and not in a fun way like Lace. Salley tells Jesse that she backed out of three attempts to get her to paradise, twice not even showing up at the airport for her flight, and once showing up but refusing to board the plane. This screams sanity! She gives the weak excuse that she “had some work stuff” ummm yeah, ok. I’m sure your 20,000 Instagram follows have enough Sugar Bear Hair gummies to last them until you return.

The cast already knows that Sally’s work story is bullshit because they heard the REAL story from Wells, and the girls are. Not. Having. It. Genevieve and Shanea have questions for Salley. They don’t like that she’s taking a spot from someone else who actually is ready for a relationship. Bitches, please. None of you are ready for a relationship. Genevieve you have been with two different guys in the past 48 hours, sit down. But I am here for this messy drama anyway. Salley folds after exactly one question from Shanea, mumbles something about how she works WITH her ex, but also needed to have a conversation about her ex “out of respect for him.” Jesus Salley is way messier than I thought. Dude, he dumped you, you owe him nothing and no explanation about your actions anymore.

Justin and Salley kissed at Stagecoach (who didn’t!) and since Justin is super desperate after Genevieve chose Aaron over him, he swoops in on Salley immediately. Then Romeo – who acknowledges he has been “dead man walking” all week after making himself the Paradise pariah – shoots his shot. Poor Salley is getting shit on by the girls and also their shitty man-scraps.

Now Salley wants to leave – get this – “out of respect for her ex.” This girl is certifiable. I am torn because on one hand, I feel really sorry for the terrible emotional damage her ex clearly did to her that she is so obsessed with the wellbeing of someone who very very clearly does not return the feeling, but on the other hand she is so lacking in any self-awareness it’s hard to be sympathetic and she just seems truly crazy and unstable and needs to get help.

Aaaaand just like that, Salley is gone after about 45 minutes in Paradise. Wah wahhhhhh. Sorry Justin and Romeo.

New day, new fuckery. In walks Peter the Pizza guy. I actually remember this asshole. He was on Michelle Young’s season of the Bachelorette and she kicked him off for being a complete narcissist douche. He was aggressive and obnoxious and talked incessantly about his stupid pizza chain as though he was taking meetings with Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates. Dude owns a couple pizzerias in FLORIDA. He’s tacky and show off-y and, of course, also totally fragile, and when called out on his obnoxious shit by the guys on Michelle’s season, he responded by having a tantrum and throwing one of their jackets in the pool.

Peter pulls Victoria first and before asking her a thing about herself he informs her that he owns a chain of pizzerias. He then sits down at the bar with Shanea and pulls the oldest narcissist trick in the book – complementing someone on something you want them to actually compliment you back on. Peter clearly wants to show off whatever cheesy street corner jewelry he picked up on the way to the airport, so he compliments Shanea’s gold bracelets, and she politely compliments him back on his necklace which he gives entirely too much info about – 18K gold with 3 carats of diamonds! OOOOH 3 CARATS! Shanea is not impressed and calls him cocky and arrogant.

Next he is chatting with Brittany who seems like a genuinely nice person who we never see because she’s been cozied up in a happy couple with geriatric daddy Casey. This guy just radiates sleeze but Brittany admits she knows nothing about him coming into this, and he manages to pretend to be a human long enough in their conversation that she agrees to go on a date with him. Wait, what about Casey!?

Brittany, bless her heart, is still woefully unaware of Pete’s bullshit and is optimistic for their date. Meanwhile, geriatric daddy Casey – who is admittedly not the most unbiased messenger – has some hilariously accurate takes on Peter: “He’s a one note character who only talks about himself. The kind of guy who really makes my Italian ancestors roll in their graves. The chances that Peter is talking about pizza on this date are 1 out of 1. If he’s not overtly saying how good his Pizza business is, he will be saying like “isn’t this good slice of life” his entire vocabulary is pizza based.” I love Casey daddy.

Cut to Peter on the date, doing exactly as Casey predicted. He’s asking Brittany questions… about himself. Peter: “What was the first thing you noticed about me?” Brittany: “Your eyes” Peter: “what else?” Cut to Brittany – “I’ve never been on a date before with someone who is more interested in themselves than me.” Then cut to Peter talking about all the shit he owns, like a jet ski, and its just so cringe and awful. This guy can’t be for real, right? Brittany literally gave him a clean slate and benefit of the doubt and he managed to turn her off completely while on a really romantic yacht in the middle of the ocean on a gorgeous blue sky day. That is truly an accomplishment.

Peter tries to kiss Brittany and she shuts that down hard. By the end of the date she is disgusted by Peter and she can’t wait to get away from him.

Brittany and Peter are back and downloading their dates to the girls and bros, and let’s just say they have pretty different versions of what happened. According to Brittany, Peter is the exact opposite of what she wants in a person. Peter, acknowledging the date didn’t go great but clueless as to why, decides to attack Brittany personally by questioning her motives for being in Paradise. Just when you thought he could not possibly get worse, Pete is here to lower the bar right down to the gates of hell. He alleges that Brittany is just some clout-chasing Instagram model, and that she doesn’t like him BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH OF A FOLLOWING FOR HER. He thinks he was charming, humble, and witty on the date and that if he took a girl out for a date on a yacht back home, they would be hooking up by now. BARF BARF BARF please get this man off my screen.

Moving on we have Jacob and Jill (why has no one made a Jack and Jill joke???) on a date that involves getting naked and harnessing the energy of the full moon while tantric breathing. Jacob notes that he is an expert in breathing because he “does it every day.” 😑 Then for some reason they have to get naked and say what like best about each other. Jacob like’s Jill’s ass. 😑😑😑 They’re both desperate at this point so I see this working out for the next 2-3 days.

Back at the villa it’s ANOTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAY. This time, Serene is the birthday girl, and Brandon is predictably fawning over her with a cake some PA had the kitchen staff work overtime to make.

Jill and Jacob are back and GLOWING. But no one cares when people are happy. Including me. Thankfully, Kira is back from the local hotel and she came to stir shit up! She feels she has unfinished business with Jacob, and she wants to know why he didn’t give her his rose. Sorry Kira, bad timing, Jacob is fresh off a date where he become dickmatized by Jill’s ass, literally. Regardless, Jacob spends way too long talking to Kira, and Jill is sick of watching his nonsense and stomps off to bed. Jacob finally gets his fill of flattery from Kira and he lets her down with the standard “sorry but our connection wasn’t there I wish you the best of luck” and runs off to grovel to Jill who takes him back with open arms.

Since Kira is now technically a single female on the beach, Romeo swoops in because remember, they have history! He’s desperate AF and is there to offer a shoulder for Kira to cry on. Romeo is looking pretty good to Kira, too, after she was rejected by the real reason she came back to the beach, Jacob. Romeo tells Kira he should have picked her instead of Jill. Well YEAH in hindsight!! This apparently impresses Kira enough that she asks him to leave Paradise with her tonight. Given Jacob has turned off every single romantic prospect possible at this point, what better option does he have? Spoiler – none. After way too long of a pause he says, “alright” with a very heavy sigh indicating he understands this is truly the least awful of his shitty options. Romeo looks like a hostage in their exit interview. I doubt they last until the end of the Escalade ride.

Thank god this episode is over. But seriously, we aren’t even getting one rose ceremony a week!? The women STILL have the roses. This is absurd, let’s move it along people!! Next week’s previews indicate they are pulling a Love Island/ Casa Amor scenario and sending the old girls away and bringing in fresh new girls for the guys. Gee I wonder what will happen??

Until next week…. 🍹🍹🍹

It’s always an exciting day when I discover a new vampire show. I watch them all. Sadly this also means I have wasted hours (probably years) of my life on some truly terrible shows. But since I have learned nothing from the past and live only for the present (kind of like a dog but with vampire shows), I am taking the plunge into Peacock’s new show, Vampire Academy.

This show apparently came out last month and I heard zero about it which is not the best sign. But honestly I don’t hear much about anything anymore since I pay extra to keep the screeching sounds of commercials out of my precious streaming subscriptions. So it’s entirely possible this show was highly promoted. Don’t know, don’t care!

A word on vampire shows and movies in general. The seemingly most difficult hurdle for these types of shows/ movies to overcome is the complete saturation of this genre, which makes it nearly impossible to have an original idea anymore. BUT, wiser writers know how to harness this challenge into a strength. And that’s by following certain rules.

Given vampires have become ingrained in our cultural lexicon, viewers have come to develop certain expectations for how vampires work. Much like watching a show about the universe and expecting the Earth to be round and circling around the sun. No one would take a show seriously if it proclaimed the Earth was flat and circling around Mars. Vampires are no different. The fact the universe is real and vampires are not does not matter. Vampires are real enough in the media today that their portrayal comes with certain expectations, which can be bent but not broken. In fact exploiting the flexibility of the vampire rules is usually what makes new vampire shows or movies incredibly successful.

The Rules, which I have compiled with zero research and according to the only authority that matters, me, are:

• Vampires are immortal and do not age
• Vampires can only be killed with a stake to the heart (usually wooden, not always) (ripping their heads off also seems to work across many iterations but I have yet to see an explanation for why this wouldn’t heal/ regenerate like other forms of vampire injury/dismemberment)
• Vampires cannot go in the sun without some type of repercussion (dying, burning, sparkling)
• Vampires drink blood (human or animal)
• Vampires have supernatural healing abilities (themselves and possibly others)
• Vampires must be invited into a home by its owner/ occupant
• Vampires have some form of mind control powers over humans
• Vampires are not subject to human laws but have their own social and legal structure usually with some shadowy evil figures at the top (the Volturi in Twilight, the Originals in Vampire Diaries, the Authority in True Blood)
• Vampires are created in a specific way, usually involving biting and/or vampire blood (e.g., drinking vampire blood and dying (Vampire Diaries), draining of all blood by a vampire and sleeping in dirt together (True Blood), vampire bite with a certain venom (Twilight))
• Vampires are a secret from humans

Equally important are the things that have been rejected by current vampire canon. While it may have worked on Dracula, the following has no impact on today’s vampires:

• Garlic
• Crucifixes
• Holy water

In addition, plot lines must include the obligatory forbidden love, (usually between vampire and human), supernatural forces beyond vampires at work (witches, demons, fairies, magic etc.), and vampires being at war with another faction outside themselves – supernatural or otherwise (werewolves, witches, humans, etc.)

Nothing hotter than someone who wants to kill you!

The shows that follow The Rules that I just made up entirely but find incredibly authoritative – while still managing to have a somewhat unique and interesting storyline – are the ones that succeed. Those that stretch The Rules too far or ignore them completely make for unhappy viewers.

Off the bat Vampire Academy has a major advantage in that the show’s producer and director, Julie Plec, just so happens to be the co-creator of my all-time favorite vampire show (and second all-time favorite show), Vampire Diaries. (Please ask my husband about the time I came out of anesthesia talking about Elena, Damon and Stefan.) The show is also, like Vampire Diaries, based on a series of young adult vampire novels, which bodes well for rule-following rather than rebelling.

If you care about the actual plot, here it is according to Peacock:

“Lissa, a royal vampire, and her best friend and protector, Rose, navigate romance, class politics and ancient magic at their boarding school St. Vladimir’s Academy. As Rose trains to be a guardian, a mysterious bond develops between the two friends and they must work together to decipher it, all while facing threats like the bloodthirsty and undead strigoi.”

By the end of Episode 1 the show ticks a lot of boxes very quickly. Forbidden love? Check. Weird vampire hierarchy/monarchy? Check. Vampires at war with another species? Check. No sunlight? Check. Blood drinking? Check. Secret from humans? Check. Healing powers? Check (sort of).

Some things are still unclear, like aging, family structure, and vampire creation. But Julie Plec would probably not break any of these rules, but it will fun to see how she stretches them for our entertainment.

Weird royal shit

The writers at Netflix have heard my prayers (JK, fuck them for making us wait until Summer 2023 for Witcher Season 3), and have decided that a year is enough time to go without Henry Cavill on our TV screens, so they have brought back Enola Holmes for a second season dropping November 4th.

This show’s actual star is Millie Bobbie Brown as the titular character who you might have heard of from a little-known show on Netflix called Stranger Things. Henry Cavill plays Enola’s older brother, Sherlock Holmes. The show also stars another actress you may have heard of named Helena Bonham Carter as Enola and Sherlock’s mother.

The first season of this show was just pure fun and entertainment. It’s a little cringe and cutesy at times, but the plot is quick paced and entertaining (something many Netflix shows struggle with these days) and – like any good Sherlock Holmes mystery – everything gets wrapped up and solved by the end, with just the slightest whiff of a cliffhanger, that leaves you wanting more yet still satisfied. Kind of like how Henry Cavill makes me feel.

ANWAY.

After a two-year wait with nary release date in sight, we finally have a full trailer and a release date for His Dark Materials Season 3. The final season kicks off December 5, 2022 on HBO Max. And I am READY.

I read the Dark Materials trilogy all the way through three full times before the ill-fated and terribly executed 2007 movie of Book 1 – The Golden Compass – was even announced. Yes, that makes me feel as superior as it sounds.

I love this trilogy with my whole heart. And I was VERY excited for the movie. And very disappointed by it – as was anyone who loves these books. Fast-forward 12(!!) years and we finally get an adaptation (almost) worthy of the books with the HBO Max series.

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Over the weekend my husband and I binged the new Mike Flanagan/ Netflix show – The Midnight Club. Mike Flanagan has basically an unimpeachable record when it comes to his Netflix limited series over the past five years. Starting with the Haunting of Hill House, which is a literal masterpiece, taking a slight dip with the follow-up, the Haunting of Bly Manor (inferior, but still good), and coming roaring back with another masterpiece last year with Midnight Mass.

Mike Flanagan’s format somewhat mimics American Horror Story in that he recycles much of the same cast in each new series, but the stories and a characters do not cross over and are each taking place in a new and unique universe (which turns out is not what is happening in AHS, but that’s another post for another day! Maybe. If I feel like it.).

And while The Midnight Club is considered part of the “Flanaverse” (I did not make that name, Netflix did!) it is not originally written by Mike Flanagan and only two episodes are directed by him. The story is instead an adaptation of a Christopher Pike novel from the 90’s, and if you are a child of the 80’s-90’s like me you definitely read Christopher Pike. He wrote hundreds of young adult horror books and was very much in the same vein as R.L Stine.

So while this series looks and feels much like the typical Flanaverse installment – from the start we are inundated with mysteries, questions needing answers, slow drips of information building up to an expected flood, combined with excellent casting and acting – that is where the similarities end.

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Grey’s Anatomy is back and back to it’s roots with a whole fresh new class of incoming residents who very much mirror Meredith Grey and her OG class from 19 seasons ago. Every few seasons or so we get some new interns, but this year it’s clear the show is looking for a major (and much needed) revamp, and casting has spared NO expense.

First and best we have new intern Jules Millen played by Adelaide Kane aka MARY QUEEN OF MOTHERFUCKING SCOTS FROM REIGN!!! Reign is one of the best shows of all time and if you have not watched Reign please stop and do not keep reading until you do so immediately. All five seasons. Go. If you have watched Reign, Adelaide Kane plays the feisty, cunning, sexy and smart Mary Queen of Scots, who we loved fiercely for five seasons until she was ultimately beheaded at the end of the series (not a spoiler, it’s history). I have not seen her in anything since Reign ended in 2017 and I am extremely happy she is back with a big role in a major show.

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This absolute train wreck of a show has been on for a million seasons. OK so I looked it up and it’s actually fifteen seasons – fifteen!!! That is a LOT. That’s like, Supernatural-territory (the show, not the phenomena- shoutout to Jensen Ackles!).

In addition there are two international spinoffs of the American MAFS – MAFS UK and MAFS Australia. I’ve watched both and I can say that UK is by far the worst, and Australia by far the best (way better than the American OG). Which is strange because when it comes to Love Island, a show which started in the UK and now has Australian and US spinoffs (and South Africa apparently but I have not watched), UK is far and away the best, followed closely by Australia, with US dead last gasping in the gutter. Someday I will analyze why, but today is not that day! No, today is the day I rundown all the couples on the current mess (because they are all a mess) of Married at First Sight – San Diego.

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