I am probably the last person on the planet to watch the Patient, but better late than never! I really knew nothing about the premise going in, only that 1) it was creepy and dark (according to my family text group), and 2) it was nominated for a bunch of awards, including a best supporting actor Golden Globe for Domhnall Gleeson (who I just discovered is actually Brendan Gleeson’s son, not brother!? 🤯)

The premise of the Patient (this is not spoiler-y, you learn this from the synopsis of the show displayed by Hulu before you even start watching) is that Steve Carrell, a psychotherapist, is kidnapped by one of his patients who turns out to be a serial killer who wants to force Steve Carell to fix his killer impulses while in captivity.

The show is an excellently written tense thriller while also an emotional journey, with plenty of flashbacks to Steve Carell’s own life and past, including the recent loss of his wife to cancer, issues with his son’s conversion to Orthodox Judaism, and his own life story. Steve Carell gives an incredible performance and I’m shocked he was not nominated for anything.

I honestly did not have much of an opinion Domhnall Gleeson prior to this, other than his role as a very nasty and unappealing supervillain in Star Wars: The Last Jedi. He had a very brief appearance in the Harry Potter franchise as the eldest Weasley brother, Bill, who I think we see twice over the span of 9 movies. He has a very strong Irish accent IRL, which he does an impressive job of completely concealing for this role as Sam, the serial killer desperate to change his ways.

The bottom line is this show was great and I am not going to say much more because I don’t want to spoil anything, but watch it. It manages to be both exciting and tense while exploring deep issues of family, trauma, religion, and human nature. But not so deep that it pulls you out of the underlying thrill of the plot progression. You will binge this in one weekend because you will not be able to stop watching until the end.

Enjoy!

8/10

(Hulu)

Ahhh, it’s that time of year. Bachelor season. Well, season, and also Season – as in Season 27 (!!!). I have been watching this show for over half my life, which is sad and depressing and I also plan never stopping as long as they will have me. After 25 years of watching women develop Stockholm syndrome on live TV, I myself likely also have Stockholm Syndrome.

Which means I always look so forward to each and every new Bachelor season, right up until the moment the first episode begins to air and I am immediately reminded of how painful and boring the Bachelors themselves have become, and that the show is more of a vehicle to jumpstart social media influencer careers than it is about finding love. But will I still be watching by Season 47? 57? 1000%.

Right now we are kicking off Bachelor 2023 with the man who is about to turn a bunch of 25-year olds into psychotic clinging zombies, Zach Shallcross. And per usual he is a runner up from the previous season of the Bachelorette.

Jesse Palmer shows up (about time) to give us an intro into Zach as A REAL PERSON beyond what we know from his appearance on Bachelorette. We learn such important facts like that Zach was in a seventh grade punk band called Public Disturbance (no comment), and in college he was a DJ who went by the name of…. Wait for it…. Verzache. Get it?? Like Versace + Zach??! I already cannot with this dude and we are 3 minutes in.

Right off the bat they try and make this easier on us by dusting off poor ex-Bachelor Sean Lowe – who must have sold his soul to ABC at some point because almost evert season he gets trotted out as some kind of Bachelor-whisperer, but is clearly soooooo over these appearances. He was Bachelor 11 years ago. Let the man go into retirement. Of course, as one of the only successful relationships to come out of the show, ABC likely owns his ass for eternity. (Sean is still married to Catherine, winner of his season, and fun fact they got married at the Biltmore in Santa Barbara and I spied on their wedding from the street through the bushes, like any totally normal sane person would do).

We then get the predictable montage reels of a few select women, and it’s no secret the show usually spends time on people who end up going far. I can’t be bothered to really pay attention but the general takeaway is that the girls are all around their mid-20’s, are nurses or medical sales reps, and have perfect teeth. And of course, they are all SO EXCITED TO MEET ZACH!!!

The night one limo arrivals are possibly my least favorite part of the entire show. I absolutely abhorre the gimmicky entrances the producers force on some of these poor women. Can you imagine being so excited to go on the Bachelor only to be told that you need to show up with a real live pig on a leash!? Adding to the misery is the fact that Zach is the boringest person alive with zero conversational skills. In response to one girl telling him a relatively interesting story about missing her flight, breaking her luggage, and ripping her dress in the limo, his only response is “I love that.” I absolutely do not love that and in fact I’m not fully convinced Zach is actually not a humanoid robot at this point.

Speaking of limo intros, a funny side story – one of my close friends actually won the Bachelor. Yes, won. Like final girl picked at the end, engaged, the whole shebang. This was back in 2004 and the Bachelor was Andy Baldwin, promoted as “an officer and a gentlemen” for his season because he was a Naval officer.

Tessa Horst graduated from Middlebury the same year I graduated Colby and moved to Jackson at the same time as me. I vaguely knew her through mutual friends at Middlebury during college, and she ended up in my close friend circle in Jackson.

One day she told us she was going on a trek in India for two months over the summer, which was pretty on brand for the Jackson crowd and no one questioned a thing, until she came back from her “trek” and was like, JK I was on the Bachelor this whole time! And the wildest part was that she couldn’t tell us she won, so we would all watch it together each week and cheer when she made it to the next round. It was legit insane she kept it a secret from us all the way until the end when she GOT ENGAGED on TV in front of our eyes.

I think she went to Hawaii soon after where Andy was stationed, and they did a bunch of triathlons and photo ops together before breaking up a couple months later.

This was back when Bachelor contestants were still relatively normal women, there was no ulterior motives of gaining some lucrative social media sponsorships afterwards, and there wasn’t even a Bachelor in Paradise to be gunning for. Literally there was nothing in it for these girls other than maybe actually meeting someone you would marry. It was all very pure and innocent in those days! Tessa also had one of the cringiest limo introductions in history where she told a terrible joke that made the nation collectively groan. But honestly that was part of her charm and she went on to win.

OK fast forward about 20 seasons to tonight’s fresh crop of girls currently stumbling out of the limo in tight dresses and 5 inch heels like a flock of drunk giraffes. We have Brianna – who already has a rose from meeting Zach on live TV at the After the Final Rose special from Bachelor in Paradise – making her entrance, and she is taking her rose-bearing status SERIOUSLY. She is not only proudly carrying the rose (as required by the producers no doubt), but her dress is literally composed of RED ROSES. EVERYWHERE. Like, she IS the rose. Brianna is working this fake plastic rose within an inch of its life.

After way too long (yes, I might have fast-forwarded) we finally have 30 women, and an equal number of boob jobs, Botox, fillers, veneers, extensions, and pageant dresses. I’m not judging, I would probably do the same if I was going to have my appearance dissected by the masses on national TV like I am doing to them now. But I am nostalgic for the more natural girls from days of yore.

It’s time for Zach to come address his adoring fans I mean ladies, and he opens with the KILLER line: “I’m just a dude who loves family, football, and frozen pizzas.” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

The first cocktail party of the season is something – as a viewer- to be endured not enjoyed. There’s a million girls, they all look the same, they are all dressed the same, and the coveted “one-on-one” interactions with Zach are extremely superficial and unmemorable, with the exception of those which the ever-sadistic producers script for a few poor unlucky souls -one girl competed with Zach to see who could fit more meatballs in their mouth, another girl had a fake baby and a fake (full!) diaper for him to change. Like please stop this madness. The highlight of the night for me was when two girls realized they were wearing the exact same sequined dress but in different colors.

We always have to have a villain, and tonight that role is going to Madison from Fargo, North Dakota. She is extremely over the top, fawning over Zach during their one on one time, and then promptly steals him back from the next girl he talks to when he sees them holding hands. As anyone who watches this show more than one season knows, the cardinal sin is stealing the Bachelor/ette away from someone else when you already have had your time with him. Don’t be that girl.

On Madison’s second “date” with him they do the Gritty and she makes him kiss her, and they both agree (separately to the camera) that the kiss was terrible. Yikes. Madison proceeds to get wasted and cry about not being wanted and being embarrassed. (Side note, I kind of love that this is one of the last remaining reality dating shows that does not appear to restrict the flow of alcohol to the contestants because this would be unwatchable without drunk crying/ fighting.)

We are about 2/3 through the cocktail party and Madison is just the first domino to fall. All the girls are all now breaking down one after the other. More than one person is crying, multiple contestants are slurring their words to the cameras, and everything is slowly descending into beautiful chaos. It’s also important to remember that at this point in the “evening” it is around 4-5am, and some of these women have been up for 24 hours. I would be crying too.

Madison is not going to fulfill my villain fantasies because she takes herself out of the running before the rose ceremony. The camera spends WAY too much time watching her walk down the long driveway into the waiting van. Does she have to sit in that van until the end of the rose ceremony when the rest of the rejects join here!? Oh man that is BRUTAL. AAAAND now the sun is coming up while Madison is crying in the driveway. Someone at least give this girl a class of water. Or champagne. Or a xanax. Ideally all three.

The first rose ceremony is nothing more than a beauty contest and its hilarious to pretend otherwise. He hasn’t even talked to some of these women. With the exception of producer-required roses given to the planned villain or other drama starters, he’s just picking the hottest in the crowd. The most impressive part is that he knows any of their names at this point. But he could also safely call out random names like “Katie,” “Lauren,” or “Gabby” and a hot girl would step out of the crowd. This honestly could be what he is doing.

The “night” ends with his whittled down group of women sharing a champagne toast with full daylight streaming into the room. My stomach is churning just looking at that champagne at 7am. I have a newfound respect for these women holding it together for over 24 hours, getting drunk and sobering up and doing it all under the sweaty bright cameras. They might be here for the wrong reasons, but they are also warriors in stage makeup and spanx.

Until next week! 💅🥂🌹

I hate gimmicky TV viewing experiences. Example – the Black Mirror “choose your own adventure” episode that had like, 1 billion different outcomes depending on which options you selected while viewing the show – just no. Just show me the best storyline and ending? Is that so hard? As such I’ve watched every single episode of Black Mirror except that one. No thank you!

Another beloved show of mine – The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (legend status show) – fell victim to a similar gimmick (Netflix is the common denominator here so I blame them), where they released a “special” episode after the series finale which I very much was excited for, until I found out it was another CYOA. So I’ve never watched the “final” episode of one of my all time favorite shows and honestly I’m not happy with Netflix for doing this to me (I’m sure they care immensely.)

So, here we are with yet another Netflix gimmick. Except the gimmick with Kaleidoscope requires less work and hence why I am actually watching it. Instead of making you choose how the show progresses, you can choose to watch the episodes in any order. Netflix has randomly shuffled the episodes for each Netflix account so you can just go with what they give you or choose your own order. Each episode is titled after a color (Kaleidoscope – get it???), and the only rule is that the White episode is meant to be watched last no matter what.

Since I refuse to believe there is no superior watch order I immediately googled “best order to watch Kaleidoscope.” Most reviewers recommend chronological order of events, but I found one review who was a bit more nuanced and laid out the best sequence even though it is slightly non-chronological. I appreciate their attention to detail and lack of laziness so I’m going with them (because I am lazy). Which means I will be watching in the following order: Yellow, Violet, Orange, Green, Blue, Red, Pink, White. Coincidentally, my random Netflix shuffle is already starting me on Yellow so this feels like a win. But also I’m already exhausted with the process that it took just to get to this point. Ugh.

The show is about a multi-billion dollar heist that supposedly is loosely based on the true story of billions of dollars in bonds that were stolen from a bank shortly after 9/11. No matter what episode you start with, you will quickly discover who the major players are, and that clearly there are a lot of complicated backstories and interpersonal relationships going on, as well as (unknown) events that have happened in the past and will happen in future. This is annoying but also creates a lot of tension and suspense that carries the show through the frustrating elements of not knowing what’s going on.

By the end it all comes together, everything is explained, all mysteries solved, including the biggest mystery of all – what happens the day of the heist. I place a high value on a show having everything wrapped up with a neat bow by the end, so this garners major points.

My final takeaway – it’s a generally good and fast paced interesting heist drama. Is it the best heist drama ever? No. It desperately wants to be a darker version of Oceans 11 but just lacks the charisma of the cast and plot. But Giancarlo Esposito, Tati Gabrielle (from You) and Paz Vega do a decent job of carrying the show right through its tragic end. (This is not a spoiler because its entirely possible for your first episode to be the one that is set 6 months after the heist which makes it clear something went VERY wrong. Uncovering what went wrong, and why, is the best part of the show.)

Kaleidoscope is a decent binge for a boring Saturday, but if you want a truly excellent heist drama, watch Money Heist (Netflix) instead.

6/10

(Netflix)

Here we are, once again, subjecting ourselves to the torture that is Bachelor in Paradise. I force my husband to read my BIP posts every week, even though he isn’t watching this season and hasn’t watched a season of Bachelor or Bachelorette in protest since Chris Harrison left (that really hit him hard!), so he doesn’t know who basically anyone on Paradise is. So he has no interest in the show and even less interest in my posts about it. So of course I make him read them.

And his takeaway from my posts so far is that this season is really boring. But here’s the thing – it’s actually not boring at all!! It’s pretty fucking hilarious and ridiculous and they did a good job bringing back the right ingredients to Make Paradise Great Again (MPGA?) – aka, booze, hot tubs, and a designated sex room (which I just realized no one has used except boring-ass married Ashley and Jared – wtf??). I just like to complain this show is boring because I am so spoiled by the good drama it’s bringing that I refuse to accept anything less than that 100% of the time.

This week’s previews lead us to believe the drama I crave will be brought to us courtesy of Aaron and Genevieve, so I can’t wait for that. But first we have to sit through the typical Paradise nonsense, including NEW ARRIVALS! I feel so bad for anything who gets cast on Paradise only to find out their arrival date is during the last week of the show. Honestly it’s just cruel to the new arrivals to bring them in at this point. No on arriving that late is getting out with any kind of relationship let alone engaged. They are there for one reason and one reason only – to blow up existing couples. And who am I kidding, I love to see it, but also these new arrivals are people too! With feelings! They deserve better than to be part of the producers sadistic plan.

First up we have Hayden who was on the most recent season with Gabby and Rachel. He is obsessed with his dog Rambo and literally wouldn’t shut up about him. Oh, and he is the one who made the “rough around the edges” comment to Gabby, and also said neither of the girls were as hot as his ex. Yikes. Overall he was not an enjoyable character and no one liked him. So maybe I actually am ok with the producers using him as part of their sadistic plan…

Hayden pulls Shanea first because, of course, she is a Queen. She asks him what his core values are, and he says… his dog Rambo. I feel like the producers absolutely put him up to this. Flo is now talking to him and he’s talking about Rambo again. According to the gossip on the beach he has spent over $80K on Rambo’s cancer treatments over the past year. The fact that anyone actually knows this means this dude is not quiet about it and that is super tacky. I cannot fault the spending because there is not a pet owner alive who wouldn’t spend any amount to save their dog. But is he really that great of a dog daddy if he is leaving his sick pup not once but twice to come on reality dating shows?

After interviewing Shanea, Flo, and Kate, Hayden chooses Kate even though she is suuuuper cozied up with Logan. Kate is pulling an Eliza and telling us that she wants Logan to tell her not to go on the date with Hayden. I am so sick of these shit-tests the couples are putting each other through. This is exactly what Eliza did to Rodney yesterday – she said yes to a date with Justin and then went back to Rodney and was like, “tell me not to go.” These men are genuinely confused what the right move in this situation because 1) they know they are not supposed to tell women what to do/ control them but 2) they know they are supposed to give women what they want when asked directly of them. Poor Rodney and Logan’s brains are exploding trying to figure this out and honestly they are right to assume:

Logan tells Kate, very reasonably, that because she arrived in Paradise much later than him and never dated anyone besides him, she deserves to have a Paradise experience and if this is what she needs to do he feels confident enough in their relationship. Which honestly is the best you can do in that situation so kudos to Logan. Kate, however, is upset because she wants Logan to “fight for her.” Ladies. Controlling your choices is not fighting for you. Fighting for you is giving you freedom and letting you be yourself and make your own choices and having confidence in yourself and your partner.

Of course we get a sidebar of Logan saying that what HE wanted was for Kate to say that of course she did not want to go on the date because she is all in with him. And that he just wanted to be chosen “without being put to a test”(!!!!) YES THANK YOU LOGAN. So the takeaway here is for a relationship to work everyone needs to always be honest about what you are feeling and what you need. These ridiculous situations with Eliza and Rodney/ Andrew yesterday and Kate and Logan/ Hayden tonight were 1000000% preventable with just two sentences of honesty from anyone involved. But I can’t complain, because without everyone behaving like they are in junior high we wouldn’t get all this drama so, carry on…

Hayden and Kate go on their date which TBH is pretty cool compared to a lot of the other shit they have done to these couples on dates. They go zip lining in the rainforest and then have champagne by a waterfall. Um, yes? Sign me up? I feel really bad for people who were stuck with fake shamans fanning smoke up their asses making them talk about their feelings or – my least favorite of all – a massage date where you have to massage EACH OTHER. GTFO with that shit.

As expected Hayden mentions Rambo pretty much right away. By some MIRACLE Kate did not know he had a dog named Rambo and sounds genuinely interested in hearing more which is like catnip (dognip?) to Hayden and he dives right in. First of all Hayden mentions what a big deal it is for him to be here given his dog has an inoperable brain tumor and might have a year left to live. Dude, you just went on the most recent season of bachelorette and you are now on Paradise – and your dog has months left to live?? Honestly doesn’t sound like he’s quite the doggy-daddy of the year like he fancies himself.

Hayden then confirms he has spent “6 digits” on his dog’s cancer treatments and Kate seems incredibly impressed by this sum of money and you can practically see her trying to calculate how many zeros that is and what it means for the rest of Hayden’s bank account. These two have their priorities completely out of whack and honestly might be perfect for each other.

Hayden also recounts his Bachelorette fall from grace with his whole “rough around the edges” comment and the rumors that he called his ex hotter than both the bachelorettes. He conveys these facts like some sort of badge of honor and Kate is just like – dude things were going fine when you said you were loaded, why did you have to keep talking!? At this point she admits she made a “critical error” going on the date and she is ready to get “the hell out of dodge” and she realizes how great she had it with Logan. Again this could have been avoided if she had just told Logan how she really felt! But sometimes people have to learn the hard way.

Back at the beach the focus is back on the other shit-tester, Eliza, who is now in a love triangle with Justin and Rodney. It’s really not fair no one is telling Eliza about how Justin was a huge asshole to multiple women before she arrived. Girl code ladies!!!

The men, to their credit, clearly favor Rodney over Justin and aren’t subtle about letting him know that. Justin is a pest that needs to be eradicated. Justin and Rodney sit down for “that convo” and it’s fairly boring. Rodney decides he needs to be more proactive at telling Eliza he is all-in on her, so he sits her down and does just that. She is still upset that he didn’t tell her not to go on the date with Justin. So over it. Women – why did we make Independent Woman our anthem of the past two decades if we are going to be upset when men let us be independent!!!

Next bargain basement rejects to arrive in Paradise are twin brothers Justin and Joey who both went home night one of Gabby and Rachel’s season. The best part of their departure was Gabby and Rachel didn’t even wait for the first rose ceremony. They found the twins so cringe they sent them home about 10 seconds into the cocktail party. It was glorious.

The twins have date cards blah blah but who cares, the best part of this whole situation are the other cast-members’ hilarious takes on how twins work. Jacob thinks twins can read each other’s minds (“but they couldn’t read Gabby and Rachel’s minds!” -Jacob). Victoria associates “twins” with titties and wants to shake hers whenever someone says “twins” around her. She has a truly enviable rack, so carry on. Danielle thinks twins have a “hive mind” which they use to sync their thoughts and actions.

After interviewing the women they choose Flo and Shanea (Queen!) for the double-date. I approve of these choices but these women are going to eat these (literal) babies alive. I am just glad Flo is finally getting the screen time she deserves because she’s hilarious. She fully admits she only went on the date because she has nothing better to do and why not.

This date is also not so bad – cocktails and drinking games at on off-site bar with Wells bartending. I’ll take it. We have all the faves – shotskis, body shots, margarita bike, and armpit licking (???). Everyone is trashed and Wells needs to cut these girls off because they are starting to look at the twins through their beer goggles as actual viable romantic options. Shanea is even talking about leaving Jacob for her twin!? What is Wells putting in these drinks! This is blasphemy and must be stopped.

We are 1:30 into this episode and none of the promised Aaron and Genevieve drama has transpired yet which can only mean one thing. Shit’s. About. To go. Down. The whole cast is lounging on one giant comfy outdoor bed together (which honestly looks incredible) and Aaron – who is historically more interested in bro-ing down with his homies than spending time with whatever woman he is supposed to be pursuing – asks Johnny to take a dip in the pool with him.

Genevieve, hearing this, sits back and looking very confused. Aaron asks her what’s up and she is like – I’ve been asking you all day to go in the pool and you’ve said no, and just now you asked Johnny to go in the pool with you? Wtf? To which Aaron responds “are you really doing this right now.” Wait, what? Doing what? OK so that was a tad needy of Genevieve, but also a legit question on her end??

Geneveive is like – I just want to spend time with you? And he’s like yeah, same? Why are you coming at me like I’m not doing something right? OK Aaron is being insanely over sensitive right now. He’s accusing Genevieve of making him feel like he’s neglecting her because he wants to grab a beer in the pool with his bro. OK I can KIND of see that, but he’s not handling this well at all. He’s treating her like she is mad at him and making a huge issue when really she just made a relatively benign comment.

For the record, to all men, here is how you handle this: “Hey baby, I totally want to spend time with you I’m just gonna go grab a beer with Johnny and then how about you and I spend some one on one time in jacuzzi together after?” Big kiss, bye. Instead he gets all fucking fragile, which is not mixing well with Genevieve’s massive insecurity and need for constant reassurance, and they are really a ticking time bomb.

Case in point, Aaron is now throwing out the “I don’t know how this can continue” and now he is accusing Geneveive of GASLIGHTING him – LOL. I literally can’t with this man child. He is in no shape to even casually date someone let alone be in a relationship. I think he knows that and is sabotaging this situation because he doesn’t know a more mature way of getting out of it. He doesn’t have his bro James anymore to dip out on the last night with so he’s grasping at straws for other options here.

Genevieve is rightfully upset by the entire interaction because Aaron showed her that he is emotionally stunted and unable to have even baseline mature conversations, and he treated her like shit. She’s not having it. So she’s packing her bags. Aaron meanwhile is clueless and is getting on with his bro time with brewskis in the poolski with Johnnyski. And telling Johnny “she makes me feel bad all the time and I make her feel good all the time.” DUDE. NO. JUST STOP.

Victoria has been trying (unsuccessfully) to talk Geneveive down off the ledge and tells Aaron he better pay attention to his woman because she is literally packing her bags. Which he does not do, so Geneveive comes to find him and is like, can we talk? And he’s literally like, “ummmmmmmmmmmm…. OK.” Indicating he absolutely has no desire to talk whatsoever. She’s like, why such a weirdo response to a normal question? And he’s like, “maybe its a good time for you to talk to me, but it’s not a good time for ME to talk to YOU! Why does everything have to be exactly when you want it?” And what in the holy emotionally abusive fuck is this.

At least he’s not leaving Geneveive with any questions about her decision to leave! Genevieve is like, “are you fucking kidding me” and storms off with her two giant overflowing Louis Vuitton bags.

Aaron manages to intercept her and is like, “what’s going on?” Like nothing is up at all. He then proceeds to completely misrepresent what happened between them moments ago and claims he was super down to talk and she was just upset because he hesitated. Dude you gave her a five minute scolding about how selfish she was and it not being a good time for you because you were having “me time.”

Aaron is really laying into Genevieve in a super unreasonable way, and to her credit Genevieve has been cool as a cucumber which is honestly scarier than someone who flies off the handle crying and screaming. She’s just calmly packing her shit and calmly walking away. She’s not even raising her voice which makes the fact that Aaron is treating her like she’s “super angry” even more hilarious.

Victoria and Eliza are listening in and passing their judgement. “You know you love each other when you fight like this” – Eliza. Um girl no. Aaron has literally been going on and on at Genevieve for maybe 20 minutes now and she’s barely said a word. When he finally comes up for air she is like, look I felt like I was falling in love with you and when I was just like, can we spend some time together, you lost your shit at me. Then Aaron’s like yeah I have deep feelings too and that’s why your actions hurt me so bad!! This is classic abuser talk – I love you that’s why I yell at you/ hit you/ am hard on you/ expect unreasonable things from you. Fuck that shit.

Look I’ve been there where I know a guy is totally wrong and a dick but I fall for his lines anyway, so I can’t judge Genevieve for losing her resolve to leave once she hears Aaron say he’s falling in love with her too.

“So I guess all it took for me and Aaron to tell each other how we feel was six bags, two friends, a lot of yelling, and a van waiting right outside for me.” -Genevieve

At least she finally got her pool time with her man!

This movie had some interesting ideas but never developed any of them. It didn’t have any of the darkness of the first movie, which made the first movie feel real. The opening scene of HP1 is legit scary and suspenseful – they straight-up murder a child and then get hung. The witches were actually menacing when you watch it, and it creates suspense and real terror.

In HP2, there is no sense of danger, no suspense here, everything is just watered down. Also there are no good running jokes like HP1 where SJP wanted to fuck every guy she sees. HP2 just added gays here and drag queens there like they were props. These additions were fun in their own right, but felt like Disney was trying to check a box more than serve the story in any meaningful way. HP2 was more like an old school Disney Channel special seasonal program during a Disney Channel free preview instead of an actual movie sequel

The three younger girls playing the new leads are aggressively forgettable, couldn’t for the life of me tell you one of their character’s names. The three girls who played the younger Sanderson Sisters in the movie’s brief intro flashback to the 1600s, on the other hand, were 10000000x better. I want a full movie about them.

I also hated all the retconning with the Book. Remember that Book was given to Winnie from SATAN HIMSELF and made with the flesh of the damned. And Binx clearly makes the point in HP1 about how evil this book is, and how nothing good will ever come from it. But in HP2 the book is made into a sort of sympathetic, adorable little character who actually wants to help and do good. And the girls just take it at the end and live happily ever after? With this demonic book??

Also not explained is how one chick was just born with powers like a Jedi? I realize they want us to think she is a little witch in training, which would be fine except they make a big point in the first movie about how you have to SELL YOUR SOUL to the devil to become a witch. I highly doubt that’s the inference Disney wants us to make, but like…?

It’s clear Winnie (Bette Midler) valued herself over her sisters for the entirety of both movies, and I am ok with the redemption arc in the end where it turns out she loved he sisters after all, but honestly it would have been better if she had been dragged to hell (in a Disney way, of course) rather than dissolved into little happy lights to be at peace with her sisters for ever and ever.

The final battle could not have been less climactic. The 3 girls literally did nothing except stood there.

This movie was also really lacking any meaningful connection to the first film. Although it was great to see Doug Jones back as the lovable zombie ex boyfriend to Winnie, Billy Butcherson.

And there is a new black cat (RIP Binx!) named Cobweb who is very cute. But they should have been going after HP1’s Max and Allison’s kids or something, or maybe the witches have some connection to Dani (Thora Birch) because they almost sucked the life out of her, and they need the souls of Max/Allison/Dani’s children, and they came back to finish the job. Something. Anything!

And that’s the other thing, no conflict linked the two time periods in this movie. The reverend should have been much more evil, and ultimately they could have shown that the events ended up with him being responsible for the Salem Witch Trials. But instead he just what – wanted to marry off Winnie to some guy? That was it? And his house got burned. And his shitty ancestors continue to run Salem at present day. The present-day mayor could have also been much more villainous, given his connection to the past “bad” reverend.

At the end, the mayor and the daughter learn nothing of their past and still reap the benefits of their horrible ancestors. The status quo is never challenged and the asshole reverend’s bloodline continues. Fear Street did a good job of a similar plot line, which HP2 should have taken some notes from.

And was this taking place on Halloween? Or just halloween season? I have no idea. Should have been more emphasis on Halloween night itself.

There were some bright spots, of course. We get a wonderful but really useless cameo from Rebecca Welton (aka Hannah Waddingham). And if there was an award for best use of a Roomba in movie or TV, this movie would win.

In sum, the original’s dark edge is what makes it so good and why it has such lasting power to this day for kids and adults alike. HP2 has none of that. But HP2 was fine for a Disney Channel Special and worth seeing just to hang out with the sisters again

And if the writers insist on some sort of redemption arc or “not all bad” witches, then they should have made it so they sold their souls and became witches out of necessity in order to use their powers to save innocent girls from being burned during the Salem Witch Trials. And that would tie to them getting revenge on the reverend and his family in the future during HP2.

Rating

James: “I never like doing that, movies are so different for a rating system. Like what’s better milk or orange juice?”

Me: Ok so what’s your rating though

James: “1 star for actual movie. 3.5 stars as a Disney Channel Free Preview movie that you set your VCR for.”

According to Jesse Palmer this is going to be “another dramatic week” – WTF? If it’s not the MOST dramatic week in Paradise history, I’m not interested. Here we go and with a rose ceremony to kick things off. Actually forgot about these because there have only been two rose ceremonies in the six weeks of the show so far, which seems… off? And to make things even more fun, we actually don’t know whether the guys or girls have the roses tonight. Let the games begin!

Jesse is here looking F-I-N-E in a burgundy suit. Seriously no one but him could pull this color off. He announces the women have the roses for the second time in a row!!! Cue the desperate man-tics! (Get it!??!)

There is some messy (literally) drama going on in the house. Aussie Flo, who has not gotten nearly enough screen time, and Jessenia are talking about how downright nasty the villa has been since the OG women have been back. Wells, who is a messy bitch himself, is egging the girls on by asking anyone who comes to the bar what they think about the current mess-uation (ok that one didn’t work). ANYWAY the first non-drama of the week ends with the very scintillating takeaway is that the new girls blame the old girls for the mess, and the the old girls blame the new girls! Could it possibly be that there are twice as many people in the same space!?!?! I wonder if we will ever solve this mystery!!!

Couples are getting serious which means they are getting boring. I don’t need to see Brendan and Serene ever again, and am starting to feel the same about Zaddy Michael and Danielle M.

and Logan and Kate. But here is Flo again!! Flo wants to find love and doesn’t know who to give her rose to. I am here for Flo’s journey of love.

The King and Queen of Paradise, Jacob and Shanea, are having a chat and this is the only relationship I currently care about. They fawn over each other’s perfect teeth and bond over their mutual obsession with oral hygiene, which naturally leads to them brushing each other’s teeth, as one does on a date. The producers are really grasping at straws for date ideas now that all the birthdays are over. Now they are making out with fresh clean mouths and Shanea knows where her “rose” is going tonight and that’s right into Jacob’s pants.

There is some minor drama going on between Victoria, Alex, and Johnny. She just doesn’t know which incredibly boring man she wants to date for three weeks then break up with!! Alex is truthfully great to look at but boring AF. Victoria clearly wants Johnny but Alex is just so pretty she doesn’t know what to do. Well, I know what she does – she picks Johnny, they get engaged, and she promptly cheats on him with Greg from another season. They were just papped traveling through Italy last week. Oh, sorry – SPOILER ALERT.

Obligatory rose ceremony couplings:

Serene – Brandon (barrrrf)

Danielle – Michael Zaddy

Eliza – Rodney

Genevieve – Aaron

Jessenia – Andrew

Brittney – Tyler (Toddy)

Kate – Logan

Shanea – Jacob (yess!!)

Victoria – Johnny

Flo – ALEX!!! WTF??? I’m just glad Flo is still here but the producers clearly made her pick Alex to encourage more Alex/ Genevieve/ Aaron drama. Poor Flo could have have ADAM!!!

So that means Adam is eliminated very unceremoniously and truly this man never got the credit he deserved for how incredibly cool and funny and hot he was. Further confirmation this show is RIGGED!!

This episode is so boring I just left and wrote an entire post about something else and came back and nothing had happened. Victoria and Johnny are on another one of the producer’s super cringey dates exploiting some local people and their customs. Right now we have a half naked shaman type figure chanting and banging a drum with smoke. He’s apparently also a therapist asking them about their relationship. I appreciate the inclusion of local culture, but the way the show does it feels very inauthentic and feel offended even though I can’t really point out why.

Some more forced drama we have to endure is Justin’s return to the beach after being eliminated because he’s been double tapping Eliza’s instagram pics while in the hotel and is curious what the real thing is like. Justin was super awful his first time around and basically ruined his chances with multiple woman by being a fuckboy who hooked up with too many woman from the show at Coachella and did a shitty job balancing them.

Rodney has no idea that Justin is here to steal his woman and greets him with a huge hug which just makes Justin an even bigger piece of shit. Justin, of course, has a date card, and he pulls Eliza immediately without throwing so much as a glance at Rodney, and poor Rodney feels like an absolute fool for greeting this man with such joy moments before. Eliza – not being there to witness Rodney’s absolute fall from grace weeks earlier – says yes. Ugh. I wish she had just rejected this loser straight out. Genevieve has the best take of all and tells Rodney not to worry because Justin’s personality sucks.

Justin’s reign of terror is so strong he is fucking up happy couples without even interacting with them. Aaron and Genevieve get into a really weird non-fight over some misunderstanding over what happened when she went on a date with Justin way back in the beginning, and then Aaron came onto the show and she switched her affections to him. Aaron is upset because he thinks Genevieve is saying she chose Aaron because Justin sucked so hard, not because she actually liked Aaron. Aaron realizes this is not what Genevieve is saying and promptly apologizes for his overreaction, but Genevieve is NOT having that apology and no amount of reassurance from Aaron calms her down and frankly it’s weird. She’s crying so hard and freaking out so much it’s not a good look at all.

I keep waiting for Aaron to pull a move like he did last time he was on Paradise where he strings the girl along to the finale and she thinks she’s getting a ring but really he is like, JK I was faking the whole time LOL and bounces right before the final rose ceremony.

Jesse really deceived us by calling this episode dramatic. The only “drama” is Eliza/ Rodney/ Justin and Genevieve/ Aaron. None of this is interesting. Genevieve and Aaron and are fighting about nothing. Eliza and Rodney have been “together” for maybe 48 hours and another dude coming in and grabbing her for a date is NO big deal. The only thing I care about right now are Shanea and Jacob!! Where are King and Queen of Paradise!! They need their own spinoff immediately.

Rodney is kicking himself for not being a controlling maniac by telling Eliza not to go on the date with Justin. Eliza really put Rodney in a no-win situation there. You can’t be out here telling women what to do lest you be called controlling. But that’s exactly what she wanted him to do. Rodney is probably a genuine nice guy and trying to do the right thing and not get cancelled and I respect that. Justin is a piece of shit and Eliza doesn’t know that yet but I have a feeling it will reveal itself in time if he sticks around.

Tomorrow looks much more dramatic and tbh it can only go up from here so see you then!

When I first saw this announcement I immediately checked the calendar to see if it was some kind of prank day. Not only is this news completely insane, but the worst part is that they are replacing him with LIAM FUCKING HEMSWORTH, aka Gale fucking Hawthorne, aka the most boring person on the planet. This can’t be real this can’t be real this can’t be real. There isn’t enough rocking back and forth in the corner and crying in the world that could soothe me from this trauma.

Don’t even get me started on Liam Hemsworth. First of all, WRONG HEMSWORTH BROTHER, NETFLIX. Has he been in anything since Hunger Games? Don’t answer that. I am sure he has but whatever it was, I haven’t seen it. He was so dreadfully boring in Hunger Games it was literally painful to watch.

The dirt behind this disastrous fiasco is that Henry Cavill is a major Witcher fanboy and obsessed with the source material and the character itself and has been heavily involved in making sure the writers stay faithful to the original material. Well the writers said no thank you to that and decided to fuck with the story in ways that Henry Cavill did not appreciate – so much so that he decided to say fuck you to the show and bounce.

There is a lot of talk online that this has something to do with Henry Cavill coming back as Superman, which was recently revealed in the Black Adam post-credits scene (absolutely here for this), and scheduling conflicts with a potential new Superman movie or appearance as Superman in future DC installments. This is a red herring and false. Henry Cavill loved the Witcher and previously stated that he was all in for all seven (seven!!) planned seasons of the show. He could easily make time for both.

So, the bottom line is that Netflix fucked around and found out and we are all paying the price. The reaction online has been 100% negative and I can only pray that Netflix gets their shit together and figures out a way to unfuck this situation and do whatever they need to do to bring Henry Cavill back for season 4.

The day has finally arrived!! It’s merge day, baby, and it’s gonna be chaos. But first can we just comment on the fact that the new girls were not subjected to Jesse Palmer’s awkward elimination like the new guys were last night? Where he sat the OG girls down and under the guise of being a caring listener then took that information and axed two of the five new men from the show without blinking an eye? Yeah, there was no similar conversation with the OG men and as far as I know all five new girls are still at the beachside villa, but honestly I have forgotten who all of them are, except boring-ass Kate and only because we spent half of yesterday’s episode on her. I am truly sick of Kate and I have a bad feeling I have definitely not heard the last of her.

It’s the start of a new day for the OG girls at their beautiful luxury resort, and they are talking about… how much they miss the beachside villas. Really?? Somebody needs to run a concussion protocol on these women because I seem to remember them being excited to see a SHOWER when they first arrived.

Jesse shows up and asks the girls to gather round like he’s some kind of sexy pied piper. I think I have Stockholm syndrome with Jesse Palmer. If I was a contestant on this show I would be absolutely shooting my shot with Jesse and not the loser male contestants. Which led me to think about the fact that Jesse’s wife must be the most secure woman in the world. But then I realized something. Jesse is gross-old to these women!! These women are 24! Jesse is 44!!! When I was 24 it was pushing it for me to find even a 30 year old attractive. Jesse is not appealing to these women!! This is an absolute tragedy. And not only that, but Jesse will keep getting older and these women will always be average age of 25 so there is literally no risk here of any attraction forming and just ugh what a waste but also good for his wife.

Anyway, Jesse is here to 1) look sexy and 2) deliver the news to the women that all their wishes are coming true and they will be returning to the beach today. Be careful what you wish for, ladies! I cannot imagine this will work out well for everyone. Exactly one person has been back to the beach since this whole Casa Amor/ not Casa Amor situation began, and person left in tears in the silver Escalade of death, soooooo…

After a brief ride over to the beach the old girls are back and they are a force to be reckoned with. You can feel the panic and stress radiating off them. These women are taking no prisoners and everyone is scared.

Genevieve is the first to find out her fate, which is that she was faithful to Aaron, and he was faithful to her. Boring. Next.

Logan knows he has to face the music soon enough and is rightfully of Shanea. Meanwhile, Kate is sitting practically on his lap and stroking his back possessively like a lion with her prey. Shanea is at the bar and there is no way she hasn’t seen this? Like why is any talk needed at all. It’s clear that Shanea is out and Kate is in. But of course we all know who will bring the most drama and that’s Shanea and I’m ready for her to burn Paradise to the ground.

Shanea and Logan go for their chat and the entire villa is here for the drama. Faced with explaining the truth to Shanea, which is truly not that complicated – he met someone he liked more – Logan instead chooses to BLAME SHANEA for his choices. MEN. Such idiots. He tells her that “after having to watch you with James” and listen to her “comments about juggling two men” he didn’t feel “good.” Awww did somebody get their fee fees hurt by the LITERAL GAME YOU ARE ALL PLAYING? Shanea keeps her cool initially and gets up and walks away like the hot bitch she is.

The producers are far from done milking the Shanea/ Logan drama. We get a flashback of Kate and Shanea exchanging words at the Women Tell All from Colton’s season to remind us these two have history. Then the producers stage Logan and Kate about 20 feet from where Shanea is crying to Genevieve. And it predictably does not go well for anyone.

Aaron has dubbed Shanea the “Shaneado” (get it?!!?), Shanea thinks Logan is “gutter trash,” and Kate thinks Shanea is an emotional terrorist (accurate). The entire situation is a mess. Shanea pulls Logan again, then Kate decides to further antagonize Shanea by pulling her aside and reminding her this is not a WWE wrestling match (it’s not!?) and that she doesn’t buy that Shanea has turned over a new leaf like everyone seems to think. Cut to Kate off camera saying she is getting a twisted, sadistic satisfaction that she triumphed over Shanea. Whoa bitch. Kate could have easily come off as the bigger and better person in this scenario by literally doing nothing, but instead she decides to insert herself in the scenario and somehow comes out looking like more of a psycho bitch than Shanea! It’s truly masterful work on Kate’s part.

Jacob is watching this all go down meanwhile his soul is slowly leaving his body as he contemplates the impending talk he need to have with Jill. Poor Jacob is such a sensitive soul. He barely did anything, and the girl he did it with – Kate – is with someone else now. But apparently his one day spent with Kate was enough for him to realize Jill was not “his person,” and despite Jacob being 100% single he has decided to break up with Jill. It would be much easier to just play along and stay with Jill for the rest of the show so I am guessing this nonsensical choice is, once again, courtesy of the producers.

Jacob seems genuinely torn up over this. Jill has decided to leave Paradise. Jacob gives me serious man-child vibes. He is definitely one of those guys who gets married at age 50 to a 25 year old, and then goes on to have 2-3 more marriages with 25 year olds. It’s Jill’s turn to sob in the silver Escalade of death but the second she drives off it’s like a spell is broken and she realizes she was sobbing over a Lyft driver – a LYFT DRIVER – and something tells me Jill will be just fine.

It’s Brittany’s turn to arrive back in Paradise. Apparently she was with Andrew before leaving and I honestly did not remember them being together at all so I am not invested in this scenario. Brittany wants Andrew to tell her to go ahead with Tyler (the toddler) – which shouldn’t be hard since he is looking very cozy with Jessenia. Apparently there is no problem and this conversation ends in a hug. Yawn.

We still have Brandon/ Serene and Victoria/ Johnny left to reunite. I could not be less interested in Brandon and Serene and I am seriously contemplating fast forwarding their reunion. Victoria is only marginally more interesting. I don’t really have any opinion on her and Johnny, although Johnny has made quite a big show of remaining faithful to Victoria, and Victoria is making quite a big show about being torn between Johnny and new guy Alex. This situation doesn’t really interest me. Where is the Shaneado??

We get a ridiculous scene of Serene and Victoria running down the beach into Brandon and Johnny’s arms. Brandon wastes no time dropping the L word on Serene. Can they just get engaged leave the show already!?

Things go slightly less smoothly for Victoria and Johnny. Despite their joyous reunion, Johnny doesn’t take the news well that Victoria had a date with Alex. Which, fair, but also, please take a minute and look at where you are, which is basically fuckbuddy beach. Things could be much worse than Victoria going on a date with someone. Johnny does not seem to agree with me and he thinks they are donezo.

Victoria’s grilling Johnny on whether he is ready for kids, marriage, and what his career goals are. Johnny has no answer for that except that he is “passionate and motivated” which means he has absolutely no career in sight and honestly that’s fine for a 25 year old because that’s when you should be figuring that shit out, not getting married and having kids! (Note – Victoria is only 27 herself.)

At long last the remaining three new guys arrive at the beach, and once again I am reminded how much it’s truly a waste no one has tapped Adam yet.

The producers have run out of more interesting plot lines and are dragging the Victoria/ Johnny/ Alex non-drama wayyyy too far out. Alex is chatting with Victoria, Johnny is spiraling, everyone has opinions. I, as usual, am bored. BUT WAIT!!! Previews for next week show SHANEA AND JACOB ON A DATE OMFG!!!! This is what I have been waiting for since Episode 1!! I willed it into being!! I am seriously rooting for these two crazy (literally) kids. Fingers crossed for next week!! 🤞🤞🤞

First of all, I have had exactly two sex dreams about Jesse Palmer in the past week. I told my husband this and his response was, “he wasn’t even a starter in the NFL.” This man is really filling the Chris Harrison-shaped hole in my heart. (Jesse Palmer not my husband.)

When we last left these crazy kids, Lace had traveled back to the OG beach to profess her undying love to Rodney, meanwhile Rodney is on a date with Eliza and most certainly NOT thinking about Lace. This train wreck of a situation brought to you by…. the producers!

Rodney gets back and has to face the Lace. He tells Lace he “doesn’t want to waste her time” and he chooses Eliza. I typed that before he even said it because these men are nothing if not predictable and cliche. I was VERY excited for Lace to go back to the villa and immedietly jump on some Aussie dick but instead she is GOING HOME!? WHAT!? LACE – Rodney is EXTREMELY MEDIOCRE. I swear these women are suffering from some sort of Stockholm syndrome with the OG boys. There is just no other explanation for these unreasonable attachments.

OK so some scandal happened IRL since last week’s episode with Brandon, who apparently got called out for whining online about how the show depriving him of a whole week with his one true love, Serene, wasn’t faaaaaair. Barf. A week is nothing if you are planning on an actual future with someone, which given that Brandon is literally holding an engagement ring in his intro, I think is safe to assume he is. This makes me desperately wish Serene would cheat on him with one of the new men, but I have little faith in this wish coming true.

We spend a lot of time on Brendan’s fee fees, including a montage of him crying over Michelle Young. Stop trying to make Brendan interesting, people! You know who IS interesting? Jill. Jill is the gift who keeps on giving. She’s now reading from her journal and it goes like this:

“I have no fucking idea what day it is, we have been separated from the boys, moved out of Paradise, I wanna go back to La Playa Escondida, the men here are hot garbage. None of these dudes are funny AT ALL. Give me Rodney Andrew, Michael A., Jacob ANYONE SEND HELP CALL THE POLIIIIIICE!” (SLAM DIARY)

It’s halfway through the next day and the girls are just now noticing Lace is gone. 😬 Jesse comes in to give the girls the news about Lace (no one asked). Even though he is using his sexy, understanding voice, the girls are NOT taking this news well. Don’t get me wrong, they give zero fucks about Lace, but are scared shitless that the OG men are forming strong connections with the new girls. Hello of course they are!? Have you met these guys? Have you seen the five new men standing outside waiting for you? What do you think is supposed to be happening here?!!?

Jesse then casually asks the women who they could possibly see themselves “forming connections” (ugh hate that term) with and who they cannot. The women agree no one is feeling it with Rick or Olu, so Jesse goes and immediately sends them home. Ouch! I honestly can’t picture who either Rick or Olu are so this makes no difference to me. All I care about is someone tapping hot Aussie Adam.

Shanea – despite her desperate attempts to drag Michael back to her sex dungeon last week – says she wants to stick with Logan and can’t imagine being with anyone else. Cut to Logan weighing his non-Shanea options on the beach. There’s Sarah, who already took Logan on one date and of course, is all in on him. But wait, CURVEBALL – apparently Kate drunkenly professed her feelings to Logan at 1:36am the night before. WHAT ABOUT JACOB!! Nobody puts Jacob in the corner!!

Poor Jacob is completely in the dark about Kate and Logan’s 1:36am chat the night before and plops down right between them at breakfast and gives Kate a big smooch right in front of Logan. Cut to Jacob in his interviews saying how much he likes Kate and how he thinks this is the end for him and Jill… Sorry Jacob you will be receiving some very devastating news in about 30 seconds.

A date card arrives and it can only be for one person at this point… Kate! But she hasn’t talked to Jacob yet!! He thinks she will for sure choose him! I actually feel bad for Jacob. He’s like a golden retriever puppy. Just so eager and goofy and all over the place. I want him to find love with someone equally insane and based on Jill’s most recent behavior I think it actually could be her.

In an attempt to avoid humiliating Jacob outright in front of everyone, Kate humiliates Jacob in front of everyone by pulling him for a beachside chat before announcing her pick for the date – which up until this moment everyone in the villa not named Logan assumed would be Jacob. This should be an interesting conversation. Jacob starts it off with the ol’ “I was actually going to talk to you today, too.” Oh Jacob, you are better than this. Kate leads off with’ “I think you’re great, obviously…” UGH. Kate, you are not better than this, but still. Jacob, bless his heart, says he has “so much love for Logan” so he “gets it.” Not Jacob putting everyone else to shame with his shocking levels of emotional maturity!!

Having gotten the dirty work of breaking Jacob’s heart out of the way, Kate announces she’s going on her date with Logan, and Sarah looks like someone just ran over her dog. Everyone just really needs to tone down the dramatic emotional reactions here because the stakes could NOT be lower. This is a date with a stranger. Logan feels the need to pull Sarah since he went on a date with her already, and once again here comes the “I think you’re great” talk. STOP. STOP IT RIGHT THERE. Next week I’m playing a drinking game where I drink every time someone tells someone else they are “great.” Which should be interesting since I typically watch this show in bed in the morning.

Back at the girls hotel, Shanea and Genivieve are wasted. Move over Aaron and James because these two are the new besties of Paradise. They are bonding over tequila shots and giving drunk interviews to the producers and saying they would definitely go home together if nothing else works out. They then pray for rain and IT STARTS RAINING!! They are besties AND have magical powers!!

Meanwhile Logan and Kate are on a very boring date where she massages him (what’s with making couples massage each other!? Someone please add a masseuse to the show’s budget). They also drink champagne while talking about their relationship and then make out in the pool. These two are already reaching Brandon and Serene levels of boring.

Johnny is at the beach saying how there’s no one else he’s interested in besides Victoria, so of course cut to Victoria chatting with Alex. Apparently Alex really impressed her by giving her head a little scratch as he walked by the previous night. These women really need to adjust their standards to above bare minimum effort.

Of course, Victoria gets a date card, and of course, she chooses Alex. Now that Alex is getting some screen time and actually opening his mouth I am sorry to say he is giving me the ick. His voice makes my skin crawl. I don’t know if its too high for how big he is or if he has a terrible (NY?) accent but whatever it is it’s definitely not working for me. Victoria tells him that she has been keeping her distance from him because he is her typical type and reminds her of her ex boyfriends, and his response is “so you’re saying you facially profiled me??” BA-DUM-CHING. I can’t. Although to his credit he says he knows he “looks like everybody’s douchebag ex.”

Brittany is exploring things with Toddler I mean Tyler. Seriously this guy looks like he’s 10. Brittany needs to check his ID before this goes any further. Tyler decides he likes Brittany more than Shanea, and they seal their love with a kiss.

Cut to Shanea wandering around wondering where everyone is. She stumbled upon Adam chillin’ with Jill and Serene on the couches, and Adam invites Shanea to sit down and join them for “wine chats.” WINE CHATS. Will someone marry this man PLEASE. Instead of wine chats with Adam, Shanea chooses locking herself in the bathroom and crying over Tyler. Even though she just said earlier than she was all in on Logan. And meanwhile back at the beach Logan is all in on Kate… My head hurts.

Tomorrow night the villas merge and I have high expectations for this shitshow. Until then…