Ahhh, it’s that time of year. Bachelor season. Well, season, and also Season – as in Season 27 (!!!). I have been watching this show for over half my life, which is sad and depressing and I also plan never stopping as long as they will have me. After 25 years of watching women develop Stockholm syndrome on live TV, I myself likely also have Stockholm Syndrome.

Which means I always look so forward to each and every new Bachelor season, right up until the moment the first episode begins to air and I am immediately reminded of how painful and boring the Bachelors themselves have become, and that the show is more of a vehicle to jumpstart social media influencer careers than it is about finding love. But will I still be watching by Season 47? 57? 1000%.

Right now we are kicking off Bachelor 2023 with the man who is about to turn a bunch of 25-year olds into psychotic clinging zombies, Zach Shallcross. And per usual he is a runner up from the previous season of the Bachelorette.

Jesse Palmer shows up (about time) to give us an intro into Zach as A REAL PERSON beyond what we know from his appearance on Bachelorette. We learn such important facts like that Zach was in a seventh grade punk band called Public Disturbance (no comment), and in college he was a DJ who went by the name of…. Wait for it…. Verzache. Get it?? Like Versace + Zach??! I already cannot with this dude and we are 3 minutes in.

Right off the bat they try and make this easier on us by dusting off poor ex-Bachelor Sean Lowe – who must have sold his soul to ABC at some point because almost evert season he gets trotted out as some kind of Bachelor-whisperer, but is clearly soooooo over these appearances. He was Bachelor 11 years ago. Let the man go into retirement. Of course, as one of the only successful relationships to come out of the show, ABC likely owns his ass for eternity. (Sean is still married to Catherine, winner of his season, and fun fact they got married at the Biltmore in Santa Barbara and I spied on their wedding from the street through the bushes, like any totally normal sane person would do).

We then get the predictable montage reels of a few select women, and it’s no secret the show usually spends time on people who end up going far. I can’t be bothered to really pay attention but the general takeaway is that the girls are all around their mid-20’s, are nurses or medical sales reps, and have perfect teeth. And of course, they are all SO EXCITED TO MEET ZACH!!!

The night one limo arrivals are possibly my least favorite part of the entire show. I absolutely abhorre the gimmicky entrances the producers force on some of these poor women. Can you imagine being so excited to go on the Bachelor only to be told that you need to show up with a real live pig on a leash!? Adding to the misery is the fact that Zach is the boringest person alive with zero conversational skills. In response to one girl telling him a relatively interesting story about missing her flight, breaking her luggage, and ripping her dress in the limo, his only response is “I love that.” I absolutely do not love that and in fact I’m not fully convinced Zach is actually not a humanoid robot at this point.

Speaking of limo intros, a funny side story – one of my close friends actually won the Bachelor. Yes, won. Like final girl picked at the end, engaged, the whole shebang. This was back in 2004 and the Bachelor was Andy Baldwin, promoted as “an officer and a gentlemen” for his season because he was a Naval officer.

Tessa Horst graduated from Middlebury the same year I graduated Colby and moved to Jackson at the same time as me. I vaguely knew her through mutual friends at Middlebury during college, and she ended up in my close friend circle in Jackson.

One day she told us she was going on a trek in India for two months over the summer, which was pretty on brand for the Jackson crowd and no one questioned a thing, until she came back from her “trek” and was like, JK I was on the Bachelor this whole time! And the wildest part was that she couldn’t tell us she won, so we would all watch it together each week and cheer when she made it to the next round. It was legit insane she kept it a secret from us all the way until the end when she GOT ENGAGED on TV in front of our eyes.

I think she went to Hawaii soon after where Andy was stationed, and they did a bunch of triathlons and photo ops together before breaking up a couple months later.

This was back when Bachelor contestants were still relatively normal women, there was no ulterior motives of gaining some lucrative social media sponsorships afterwards, and there wasn’t even a Bachelor in Paradise to be gunning for. Literally there was nothing in it for these girls other than maybe actually meeting someone you would marry. It was all very pure and innocent in those days! Tessa also had one of the cringiest limo introductions in history where she told a terrible joke that made the nation collectively groan. But honestly that was part of her charm and she went on to win.

OK fast forward about 20 seasons to tonight’s fresh crop of girls currently stumbling out of the limo in tight dresses and 5 inch heels like a flock of drunk giraffes. We have Brianna – who already has a rose from meeting Zach on live TV at the After the Final Rose special from Bachelor in Paradise – making her entrance, and she is taking her rose-bearing status SERIOUSLY. She is not only proudly carrying the rose (as required by the producers no doubt), but her dress is literally composed of RED ROSES. EVERYWHERE. Like, she IS the rose. Brianna is working this fake plastic rose within an inch of its life.

After way too long (yes, I might have fast-forwarded) we finally have 30 women, and an equal number of boob jobs, Botox, fillers, veneers, extensions, and pageant dresses. I’m not judging, I would probably do the same if I was going to have my appearance dissected by the masses on national TV like I am doing to them now. But I am nostalgic for the more natural girls from days of yore.

It’s time for Zach to come address his adoring fans I mean ladies, and he opens with the KILLER line: “I’m just a dude who loves family, football, and frozen pizzas.” 🙄🙄🙄🙄

The first cocktail party of the season is something – as a viewer- to be endured not enjoyed. There’s a million girls, they all look the same, they are all dressed the same, and the coveted “one-on-one” interactions with Zach are extremely superficial and unmemorable, with the exception of those which the ever-sadistic producers script for a few poor unlucky souls -one girl competed with Zach to see who could fit more meatballs in their mouth, another girl had a fake baby and a fake (full!) diaper for him to change. Like please stop this madness. The highlight of the night for me was when two girls realized they were wearing the exact same sequined dress but in different colors.

We always have to have a villain, and tonight that role is going to Madison from Fargo, North Dakota. She is extremely over the top, fawning over Zach during their one on one time, and then promptly steals him back from the next girl he talks to when he sees them holding hands. As anyone who watches this show more than one season knows, the cardinal sin is stealing the Bachelor/ette away from someone else when you already have had your time with him. Don’t be that girl.

On Madison’s second “date” with him they do the Gritty and she makes him kiss her, and they both agree (separately to the camera) that the kiss was terrible. Yikes. Madison proceeds to get wasted and cry about not being wanted and being embarrassed. (Side note, I kind of love that this is one of the last remaining reality dating shows that does not appear to restrict the flow of alcohol to the contestants because this would be unwatchable without drunk crying/ fighting.)

We are about 2/3 through the cocktail party and Madison is just the first domino to fall. All the girls are all now breaking down one after the other. More than one person is crying, multiple contestants are slurring their words to the cameras, and everything is slowly descending into beautiful chaos. It’s also important to remember that at this point in the “evening” it is around 4-5am, and some of these women have been up for 24 hours. I would be crying too.

Madison is not going to fulfill my villain fantasies because she takes herself out of the running before the rose ceremony. The camera spends WAY too much time watching her walk down the long driveway into the waiting van. Does she have to sit in that van until the end of the rose ceremony when the rest of the rejects join here!? Oh man that is BRUTAL. AAAAND now the sun is coming up while Madison is crying in the driveway. Someone at least give this girl a class of water. Or champagne. Or a xanax. Ideally all three.

The first rose ceremony is nothing more than a beauty contest and its hilarious to pretend otherwise. He hasn’t even talked to some of these women. With the exception of producer-required roses given to the planned villain or other drama starters, he’s just picking the hottest in the crowd. The most impressive part is that he knows any of their names at this point. But he could also safely call out random names like “Katie,” “Lauren,” or “Gabby” and a hot girl would step out of the crowd. This honestly could be what he is doing.

The “night” ends with his whittled down group of women sharing a champagne toast with full daylight streaming into the room. My stomach is churning just looking at that champagne at 7am. I have a newfound respect for these women holding it together for over 24 hours, getting drunk and sobering up and doing it all under the sweaty bright cameras. They might be here for the wrong reasons, but they are also warriors in stage makeup and spanx.

Until next week! 💅🥂🌹