This movie had some interesting ideas but never developed any of them. It didn’t have any of the darkness of the first movie, which made the first movie feel real. The opening scene of HP1 is legit scary and suspenseful – they straight-up murder a child and then get hung. The witches were actually menacing when you watch it, and it creates suspense and real terror.

In HP2, there is no sense of danger, no suspense here, everything is just watered down. Also there are no good running jokes like HP1 where SJP wanted to fuck every guy she sees. HP2 just added gays here and drag queens there like they were props. These additions were fun in their own right, but felt like Disney was trying to check a box more than serve the story in any meaningful way. HP2 was more like an old school Disney Channel special seasonal program during a Disney Channel free preview instead of an actual movie sequel

The three younger girls playing the new leads are aggressively forgettable, couldn’t for the life of me tell you one of their character’s names. The three girls who played the younger Sanderson Sisters in the movie’s brief intro flashback to the 1600s, on the other hand, were 10000000x better. I want a full movie about them.

I also hated all the retconning with the Book. Remember that Book was given to Winnie from SATAN HIMSELF and made with the flesh of the damned. And Binx clearly makes the point in HP1 about how evil this book is, and how nothing good will ever come from it. But in HP2 the book is made into a sort of sympathetic, adorable little character who actually wants to help and do good. And the girls just take it at the end and live happily ever after? With this demonic book??

Also not explained is how one chick was just born with powers like a Jedi? I realize they want us to think she is a little witch in training, which would be fine except they make a big point in the first movie about how you have to SELL YOUR SOUL to the devil to become a witch. I highly doubt that’s the inference Disney wants us to make, but like…?

It’s clear Winnie (Bette Midler) valued herself over her sisters for the entirety of both movies, and I am ok with the redemption arc in the end where it turns out she loved he sisters after all, but honestly it would have been better if she had been dragged to hell (in a Disney way, of course) rather than dissolved into little happy lights to be at peace with her sisters for ever and ever.

The final battle could not have been less climactic. The 3 girls literally did nothing except stood there.

This movie was also really lacking any meaningful connection to the first film. Although it was great to see Doug Jones back as the lovable zombie ex boyfriend to Winnie, Billy Butcherson.

And there is a new black cat (RIP Binx!) named Cobweb who is very cute. But they should have been going after HP1’s Max and Allison’s kids or something, or maybe the witches have some connection to Dani (Thora Birch) because they almost sucked the life out of her, and they need the souls of Max/Allison/Dani’s children, and they came back to finish the job. Something. Anything!

And that’s the other thing, no conflict linked the two time periods in this movie. The reverend should have been much more evil, and ultimately they could have shown that the events ended up with him being responsible for the Salem Witch Trials. But instead he just what – wanted to marry off Winnie to some guy? That was it? And his house got burned. And his shitty ancestors continue to run Salem at present day. The present-day mayor could have also been much more villainous, given his connection to the past “bad” reverend.

At the end, the mayor and the daughter learn nothing of their past and still reap the benefits of their horrible ancestors. The status quo is never challenged and the asshole reverend’s bloodline continues. Fear Street did a good job of a similar plot line, which HP2 should have taken some notes from.

And was this taking place on Halloween? Or just halloween season? I have no idea. Should have been more emphasis on Halloween night itself.

There were some bright spots, of course. We get a wonderful but really useless cameo from Rebecca Welton (aka Hannah Waddingham). And if there was an award for best use of a Roomba in movie or TV, this movie would win.

In sum, the original’s dark edge is what makes it so good and why it has such lasting power to this day for kids and adults alike. HP2 has none of that. But HP2 was fine for a Disney Channel Special and worth seeing just to hang out with the sisters again

And if the writers insist on some sort of redemption arc or “not all bad” witches, then they should have made it so they sold their souls and became witches out of necessity in order to use their powers to save innocent girls from being burned during the Salem Witch Trials. And that would tie to them getting revenge on the reverend and his family in the future during HP2.

Rating

James: “I never like doing that, movies are so different for a rating system. Like what’s better milk or orange juice?”

Me: Ok so what’s your rating though

James: “1 star for actual movie. 3.5 stars as a Disney Channel Free Preview movie that you set your VCR for.”