Here we are, once again, subjecting ourselves to the torture that is Bachelor in Paradise. I force my husband to read my BIP posts every week, even though he isn’t watching this season and hasn’t watched a season of Bachelor or Bachelorette in protest since Chris Harrison left (that really hit him hard!), so he doesn’t know who basically anyone on Paradise is. So he has no interest in the show and even less interest in my posts about it. So of course I make him read them.

And his takeaway from my posts so far is that this season is really boring. But here’s the thing – it’s actually not boring at all!! It’s pretty fucking hilarious and ridiculous and they did a good job bringing back the right ingredients to Make Paradise Great Again (MPGA?) – aka, booze, hot tubs, and a designated sex room (which I just realized no one has used except boring-ass married Ashley and Jared – wtf??). I just like to complain this show is boring because I am so spoiled by the good drama it’s bringing that I refuse to accept anything less than that 100% of the time.

This week’s previews lead us to believe the drama I crave will be brought to us courtesy of Aaron and Genevieve, so I can’t wait for that. But first we have to sit through the typical Paradise nonsense, including NEW ARRIVALS! I feel so bad for anything who gets cast on Paradise only to find out their arrival date is during the last week of the show. Honestly it’s just cruel to the new arrivals to bring them in at this point. No on arriving that late is getting out with any kind of relationship let alone engaged. They are there for one reason and one reason only – to blow up existing couples. And who am I kidding, I love to see it, but also these new arrivals are people too! With feelings! They deserve better than to be part of the producers sadistic plan.

First up we have Hayden who was on the most recent season with Gabby and Rachel. He is obsessed with his dog Rambo and literally wouldn’t shut up about him. Oh, and he is the one who made the “rough around the edges” comment to Gabby, and also said neither of the girls were as hot as his ex. Yikes. Overall he was not an enjoyable character and no one liked him. So maybe I actually am ok with the producers using him as part of their sadistic plan…

Hayden pulls Shanea first because, of course, she is a Queen. She asks him what his core values are, and he says… his dog Rambo. I feel like the producers absolutely put him up to this. Flo is now talking to him and he’s talking about Rambo again. According to the gossip on the beach he has spent over $80K on Rambo’s cancer treatments over the past year. The fact that anyone actually knows this means this dude is not quiet about it and that is super tacky. I cannot fault the spending because there is not a pet owner alive who wouldn’t spend any amount to save their dog. But is he really that great of a dog daddy if he is leaving his sick pup not once but twice to come on reality dating shows?

After interviewing Shanea, Flo, and Kate, Hayden chooses Kate even though she is suuuuper cozied up with Logan. Kate is pulling an Eliza and telling us that she wants Logan to tell her not to go on the date with Hayden. I am so sick of these shit-tests the couples are putting each other through. This is exactly what Eliza did to Rodney yesterday – she said yes to a date with Justin and then went back to Rodney and was like, “tell me not to go.” These men are genuinely confused what the right move in this situation because 1) they know they are not supposed to tell women what to do/ control them but 2) they know they are supposed to give women what they want when asked directly of them. Poor Rodney and Logan’s brains are exploding trying to figure this out and honestly they are right to assume:

Logan tells Kate, very reasonably, that because she arrived in Paradise much later than him and never dated anyone besides him, she deserves to have a Paradise experience and if this is what she needs to do he feels confident enough in their relationship. Which honestly is the best you can do in that situation so kudos to Logan. Kate, however, is upset because she wants Logan to “fight for her.” Ladies. Controlling your choices is not fighting for you. Fighting for you is giving you freedom and letting you be yourself and make your own choices and having confidence in yourself and your partner.

Of course we get a sidebar of Logan saying that what HE wanted was for Kate to say that of course she did not want to go on the date because she is all in with him. And that he just wanted to be chosen “without being put to a test”(!!!!) YES THANK YOU LOGAN. So the takeaway here is for a relationship to work everyone needs to always be honest about what you are feeling and what you need. These ridiculous situations with Eliza and Rodney/ Andrew yesterday and Kate and Logan/ Hayden tonight were 1000000% preventable with just two sentences of honesty from anyone involved. But I can’t complain, because without everyone behaving like they are in junior high we wouldn’t get all this drama so, carry on…

Hayden and Kate go on their date which TBH is pretty cool compared to a lot of the other shit they have done to these couples on dates. They go zip lining in the rainforest and then have champagne by a waterfall. Um, yes? Sign me up? I feel really bad for people who were stuck with fake shamans fanning smoke up their asses making them talk about their feelings or – my least favorite of all – a massage date where you have to massage EACH OTHER. GTFO with that shit.

As expected Hayden mentions Rambo pretty much right away. By some MIRACLE Kate did not know he had a dog named Rambo and sounds genuinely interested in hearing more which is like catnip (dognip?) to Hayden and he dives right in. First of all Hayden mentions what a big deal it is for him to be here given his dog has an inoperable brain tumor and might have a year left to live. Dude, you just went on the most recent season of bachelorette and you are now on Paradise – and your dog has months left to live?? Honestly doesn’t sound like he’s quite the doggy-daddy of the year like he fancies himself.

Hayden then confirms he has spent “6 digits” on his dog’s cancer treatments and Kate seems incredibly impressed by this sum of money and you can practically see her trying to calculate how many zeros that is and what it means for the rest of Hayden’s bank account. These two have their priorities completely out of whack and honestly might be perfect for each other.

Hayden also recounts his Bachelorette fall from grace with his whole “rough around the edges” comment and the rumors that he called his ex hotter than both the bachelorettes. He conveys these facts like some sort of badge of honor and Kate is just like – dude things were going fine when you said you were loaded, why did you have to keep talking!? At this point she admits she made a “critical error” going on the date and she is ready to get “the hell out of dodge” and she realizes how great she had it with Logan. Again this could have been avoided if she had just told Logan how she really felt! But sometimes people have to learn the hard way.

Back at the beach the focus is back on the other shit-tester, Eliza, who is now in a love triangle with Justin and Rodney. It’s really not fair no one is telling Eliza about how Justin was a huge asshole to multiple women before she arrived. Girl code ladies!!!

The men, to their credit, clearly favor Rodney over Justin and aren’t subtle about letting him know that. Justin is a pest that needs to be eradicated. Justin and Rodney sit down for “that convo” and it’s fairly boring. Rodney decides he needs to be more proactive at telling Eliza he is all-in on her, so he sits her down and does just that. She is still upset that he didn’t tell her not to go on the date with Justin. So over it. Women – why did we make Independent Woman our anthem of the past two decades if we are going to be upset when men let us be independent!!!

Next bargain basement rejects to arrive in Paradise are twin brothers Justin and Joey who both went home night one of Gabby and Rachel’s season. The best part of their departure was Gabby and Rachel didn’t even wait for the first rose ceremony. They found the twins so cringe they sent them home about 10 seconds into the cocktail party. It was glorious.

The twins have date cards blah blah but who cares, the best part of this whole situation are the other cast-members’ hilarious takes on how twins work. Jacob thinks twins can read each other’s minds (“but they couldn’t read Gabby and Rachel’s minds!” -Jacob). Victoria associates “twins” with titties and wants to shake hers whenever someone says “twins” around her. She has a truly enviable rack, so carry on. Danielle thinks twins have a “hive mind” which they use to sync their thoughts and actions.

After interviewing the women they choose Flo and Shanea (Queen!) for the double-date. I approve of these choices but these women are going to eat these (literal) babies alive. I am just glad Flo is finally getting the screen time she deserves because she’s hilarious. She fully admits she only went on the date because she has nothing better to do and why not.

This date is also not so bad – cocktails and drinking games at on off-site bar with Wells bartending. I’ll take it. We have all the faves – shotskis, body shots, margarita bike, and armpit licking (???). Everyone is trashed and Wells needs to cut these girls off because they are starting to look at the twins through their beer goggles as actual viable romantic options. Shanea is even talking about leaving Jacob for her twin!? What is Wells putting in these drinks! This is blasphemy and must be stopped.

We are 1:30 into this episode and none of the promised Aaron and Genevieve drama has transpired yet which can only mean one thing. Shit’s. About. To go. Down. The whole cast is lounging on one giant comfy outdoor bed together (which honestly looks incredible) and Aaron – who is historically more interested in bro-ing down with his homies than spending time with whatever woman he is supposed to be pursuing – asks Johnny to take a dip in the pool with him.

Genevieve, hearing this, sits back and looking very confused. Aaron asks her what’s up and she is like – I’ve been asking you all day to go in the pool and you’ve said no, and just now you asked Johnny to go in the pool with you? Wtf? To which Aaron responds “are you really doing this right now.” Wait, what? Doing what? OK so that was a tad needy of Genevieve, but also a legit question on her end??

Geneveive is like – I just want to spend time with you? And he’s like yeah, same? Why are you coming at me like I’m not doing something right? OK Aaron is being insanely over sensitive right now. He’s accusing Genevieve of making him feel like he’s neglecting her because he wants to grab a beer in the pool with his bro. OK I can KIND of see that, but he’s not handling this well at all. He’s treating her like she is mad at him and making a huge issue when really she just made a relatively benign comment.

For the record, to all men, here is how you handle this: “Hey baby, I totally want to spend time with you I’m just gonna go grab a beer with Johnny and then how about you and I spend some one on one time in jacuzzi together after?” Big kiss, bye. Instead he gets all fucking fragile, which is not mixing well with Genevieve’s massive insecurity and need for constant reassurance, and they are really a ticking time bomb.

Case in point, Aaron is now throwing out the “I don’t know how this can continue” and now he is accusing Geneveive of GASLIGHTING him – LOL. I literally can’t with this man child. He is in no shape to even casually date someone let alone be in a relationship. I think he knows that and is sabotaging this situation because he doesn’t know a more mature way of getting out of it. He doesn’t have his bro James anymore to dip out on the last night with so he’s grasping at straws for other options here.

Genevieve is rightfully upset by the entire interaction because Aaron showed her that he is emotionally stunted and unable to have even baseline mature conversations, and he treated her like shit. She’s not having it. So she’s packing her bags. Aaron meanwhile is clueless and is getting on with his bro time with brewskis in the poolski with Johnnyski. And telling Johnny “she makes me feel bad all the time and I make her feel good all the time.” DUDE. NO. JUST STOP.

Victoria has been trying (unsuccessfully) to talk Geneveive down off the ledge and tells Aaron he better pay attention to his woman because she is literally packing her bags. Which he does not do, so Geneveive comes to find him and is like, can we talk? And he’s literally like, “ummmmmmmmmmmm…. OK.” Indicating he absolutely has no desire to talk whatsoever. She’s like, why such a weirdo response to a normal question? And he’s like, “maybe its a good time for you to talk to me, but it’s not a good time for ME to talk to YOU! Why does everything have to be exactly when you want it?” And what in the holy emotionally abusive fuck is this.

At least he’s not leaving Geneveive with any questions about her decision to leave! Genevieve is like, “are you fucking kidding me” and storms off with her two giant overflowing Louis Vuitton bags.

Aaron manages to intercept her and is like, “what’s going on?” Like nothing is up at all. He then proceeds to completely misrepresent what happened between them moments ago and claims he was super down to talk and she was just upset because he hesitated. Dude you gave her a five minute scolding about how selfish she was and it not being a good time for you because you were having “me time.”

Aaron is really laying into Genevieve in a super unreasonable way, and to her credit Genevieve has been cool as a cucumber which is honestly scarier than someone who flies off the handle crying and screaming. She’s just calmly packing her shit and calmly walking away. She’s not even raising her voice which makes the fact that Aaron is treating her like she’s “super angry” even more hilarious.

Victoria and Eliza are listening in and passing their judgement. “You know you love each other when you fight like this” – Eliza. Um girl no. Aaron has literally been going on and on at Genevieve for maybe 20 minutes now and she’s barely said a word. When he finally comes up for air she is like, look I felt like I was falling in love with you and when I was just like, can we spend some time together, you lost your shit at me. Then Aaron’s like yeah I have deep feelings too and that’s why your actions hurt me so bad!! This is classic abuser talk – I love you that’s why I yell at you/ hit you/ am hard on you/ expect unreasonable things from you. Fuck that shit.

Look I’ve been there where I know a guy is totally wrong and a dick but I fall for his lines anyway, so I can’t judge Genevieve for losing her resolve to leave once she hears Aaron say he’s falling in love with her too.

“So I guess all it took for me and Aaron to tell each other how we feel was six bags, two friends, a lot of yelling, and a van waiting right outside for me.” -Genevieve

At least she finally got her pool time with her man!