According to Jesse Palmer this is going to be “another dramatic week” – WTF? If it’s not the MOST dramatic week in Paradise history, I’m not interested. Here we go and with a rose ceremony to kick things off. Actually forgot about these because there have only been two rose ceremonies in the six weeks of the show so far, which seems… off? And to make things even more fun, we actually don’t know whether the guys or girls have the roses tonight. Let the games begin!

Jesse is here looking F-I-N-E in a burgundy suit. Seriously no one but him could pull this color off. He announces the women have the roses for the second time in a row!!! Cue the desperate man-tics! (Get it!??!)

There is some messy (literally) drama going on in the house. Aussie Flo, who has not gotten nearly enough screen time, and Jessenia are talking about how downright nasty the villa has been since the OG women have been back. Wells, who is a messy bitch himself, is egging the girls on by asking anyone who comes to the bar what they think about the current mess-uation (ok that one didn’t work). ANYWAY the first non-drama of the week ends with the very scintillating takeaway is that the new girls blame the old girls for the mess, and the the old girls blame the new girls! Could it possibly be that there are twice as many people in the same space!?!?! I wonder if we will ever solve this mystery!!!

Couples are getting serious which means they are getting boring. I don’t need to see Brendan and Serene ever again, and am starting to feel the same about Zaddy Michael and Danielle M.

and Logan and Kate. But here is Flo again!! Flo wants to find love and doesn’t know who to give her rose to. I am here for Flo’s journey of love.

The King and Queen of Paradise, Jacob and Shanea, are having a chat and this is the only relationship I currently care about. They fawn over each other’s perfect teeth and bond over their mutual obsession with oral hygiene, which naturally leads to them brushing each other’s teeth, as one does on a date. The producers are really grasping at straws for date ideas now that all the birthdays are over. Now they are making out with fresh clean mouths and Shanea knows where her “rose” is going tonight and that’s right into Jacob’s pants.

There is some minor drama going on between Victoria, Alex, and Johnny. She just doesn’t know which incredibly boring man she wants to date for three weeks then break up with!! Alex is truthfully great to look at but boring AF. Victoria clearly wants Johnny but Alex is just so pretty she doesn’t know what to do. Well, I know what she does – she picks Johnny, they get engaged, and she promptly cheats on him with Greg from another season. They were just papped traveling through Italy last week. Oh, sorry – SPOILER ALERT.

Obligatory rose ceremony couplings:

Serene – Brandon (barrrrf)

Danielle – Michael Zaddy

Eliza – Rodney

Genevieve – Aaron

Jessenia – Andrew

Brittney – Tyler (Toddy)

Kate – Logan

Shanea – Jacob (yess!!)

Victoria – Johnny

Flo – ALEX!!! WTF??? I’m just glad Flo is still here but the producers clearly made her pick Alex to encourage more Alex/ Genevieve/ Aaron drama. Poor Flo could have have ADAM!!!

So that means Adam is eliminated very unceremoniously and truly this man never got the credit he deserved for how incredibly cool and funny and hot he was. Further confirmation this show is RIGGED!!

This episode is so boring I just left and wrote an entire post about something else and came back and nothing had happened. Victoria and Johnny are on another one of the producer’s super cringey dates exploiting some local people and their customs. Right now we have a half naked shaman type figure chanting and banging a drum with smoke. He’s apparently also a therapist asking them about their relationship. I appreciate the inclusion of local culture, but the way the show does it feels very inauthentic and feel offended even though I can’t really point out why.

Some more forced drama we have to endure is Justin’s return to the beach after being eliminated because he’s been double tapping Eliza’s instagram pics while in the hotel and is curious what the real thing is like. Justin was super awful his first time around and basically ruined his chances with multiple woman by being a fuckboy who hooked up with too many woman from the show at Coachella and did a shitty job balancing them.

Rodney has no idea that Justin is here to steal his woman and greets him with a huge hug which just makes Justin an even bigger piece of shit. Justin, of course, has a date card, and he pulls Eliza immediately without throwing so much as a glance at Rodney, and poor Rodney feels like an absolute fool for greeting this man with such joy moments before. Eliza – not being there to witness Rodney’s absolute fall from grace weeks earlier – says yes. Ugh. I wish she had just rejected this loser straight out. Genevieve has the best take of all and tells Rodney not to worry because Justin’s personality sucks.

Justin’s reign of terror is so strong he is fucking up happy couples without even interacting with them. Aaron and Genevieve get into a really weird non-fight over some misunderstanding over what happened when she went on a date with Justin way back in the beginning, and then Aaron came onto the show and she switched her affections to him. Aaron is upset because he thinks Genevieve is saying she chose Aaron because Justin sucked so hard, not because she actually liked Aaron. Aaron realizes this is not what Genevieve is saying and promptly apologizes for his overreaction, but Genevieve is NOT having that apology and no amount of reassurance from Aaron calms her down and frankly it’s weird. She’s crying so hard and freaking out so much it’s not a good look at all.

I keep waiting for Aaron to pull a move like he did last time he was on Paradise where he strings the girl along to the finale and she thinks she’s getting a ring but really he is like, JK I was faking the whole time LOL and bounces right before the final rose ceremony.

Jesse really deceived us by calling this episode dramatic. The only “drama” is Eliza/ Rodney/ Justin and Genevieve/ Aaron. None of this is interesting. Genevieve and Aaron and are fighting about nothing. Eliza and Rodney have been “together” for maybe 48 hours and another dude coming in and grabbing her for a date is NO big deal. The only thing I care about right now are Shanea and Jacob!! Where are King and Queen of Paradise!! They need their own spinoff immediately.

Rodney is kicking himself for not being a controlling maniac by telling Eliza not to go on the date with Justin. Eliza really put Rodney in a no-win situation there. You can’t be out here telling women what to do lest you be called controlling. But that’s exactly what she wanted him to do. Rodney is probably a genuine nice guy and trying to do the right thing and not get cancelled and I respect that. Justin is a piece of shit and Eliza doesn’t know that yet but I have a feeling it will reveal itself in time if he sticks around.

Tomorrow looks much more dramatic and tbh it can only go up from here so see you then!