The day has finally arrived!! It’s merge day, baby, and it’s gonna be chaos. But first can we just comment on the fact that the new girls were not subjected to Jesse Palmer’s awkward elimination like the new guys were last night? Where he sat the OG girls down and under the guise of being a caring listener then took that information and axed two of the five new men from the show without blinking an eye? Yeah, there was no similar conversation with the OG men and as far as I know all five new girls are still at the beachside villa, but honestly I have forgotten who all of them are, except boring-ass Kate and only because we spent half of yesterday’s episode on her. I am truly sick of Kate and I have a bad feeling I have definitely not heard the last of her.

It’s the start of a new day for the OG girls at their beautiful luxury resort, and they are talking about… how much they miss the beachside villas. Really?? Somebody needs to run a concussion protocol on these women because I seem to remember them being excited to see a SHOWER when they first arrived.

Jesse shows up and asks the girls to gather round like he’s some kind of sexy pied piper. I think I have Stockholm syndrome with Jesse Palmer. If I was a contestant on this show I would be absolutely shooting my shot with Jesse and not the loser male contestants. Which led me to think about the fact that Jesse’s wife must be the most secure woman in the world. But then I realized something. Jesse is gross-old to these women!! These women are 24! Jesse is 44!!! When I was 24 it was pushing it for me to find even a 30 year old attractive. Jesse is not appealing to these women!! This is an absolute tragedy. And not only that, but Jesse will keep getting older and these women will always be average age of 25 so there is literally no risk here of any attraction forming and just ugh what a waste but also good for his wife.

Anyway, Jesse is here to 1) look sexy and 2) deliver the news to the women that all their wishes are coming true and they will be returning to the beach today. Be careful what you wish for, ladies! I cannot imagine this will work out well for everyone. Exactly one person has been back to the beach since this whole Casa Amor/ not Casa Amor situation began, and person left in tears in the silver Escalade of death, soooooo…

After a brief ride over to the beach the old girls are back and they are a force to be reckoned with. You can feel the panic and stress radiating off them. These women are taking no prisoners and everyone is scared.

Genevieve is the first to find out her fate, which is that she was faithful to Aaron, and he was faithful to her. Boring. Next.

Logan knows he has to face the music soon enough and is rightfully of Shanea. Meanwhile, Kate is sitting practically on his lap and stroking his back possessively like a lion with her prey. Shanea is at the bar and there is no way she hasn’t seen this? Like why is any talk needed at all. It’s clear that Shanea is out and Kate is in. But of course we all know who will bring the most drama and that’s Shanea and I’m ready for her to burn Paradise to the ground.

Shanea and Logan go for their chat and the entire villa is here for the drama. Faced with explaining the truth to Shanea, which is truly not that complicated – he met someone he liked more – Logan instead chooses to BLAME SHANEA for his choices. MEN. Such idiots. He tells her that “after having to watch you with James” and listen to her “comments about juggling two men” he didn’t feel “good.” Awww did somebody get their fee fees hurt by the LITERAL GAME YOU ARE ALL PLAYING? Shanea keeps her cool initially and gets up and walks away like the hot bitch she is.

The producers are far from done milking the Shanea/ Logan drama. We get a flashback of Kate and Shanea exchanging words at the Women Tell All from Colton’s season to remind us these two have history. Then the producers stage Logan and Kate about 20 feet from where Shanea is crying to Genevieve. And it predictably does not go well for anyone.

Aaron has dubbed Shanea the “Shaneado” (get it?!!?), Shanea thinks Logan is “gutter trash,” and Kate thinks Shanea is an emotional terrorist (accurate). The entire situation is a mess. Shanea pulls Logan again, then Kate decides to further antagonize Shanea by pulling her aside and reminding her this is not a WWE wrestling match (it’s not!?) and that she doesn’t buy that Shanea has turned over a new leaf like everyone seems to think. Cut to Kate off camera saying she is getting a twisted, sadistic satisfaction that she triumphed over Shanea. Whoa bitch. Kate could have easily come off as the bigger and better person in this scenario by literally doing nothing, but instead she decides to insert herself in the scenario and somehow comes out looking like more of a psycho bitch than Shanea! It’s truly masterful work on Kate’s part.

Jacob is watching this all go down meanwhile his soul is slowly leaving his body as he contemplates the impending talk he need to have with Jill. Poor Jacob is such a sensitive soul. He barely did anything, and the girl he did it with – Kate – is with someone else now. But apparently his one day spent with Kate was enough for him to realize Jill was not “his person,” and despite Jacob being 100% single he has decided to break up with Jill. It would be much easier to just play along and stay with Jill for the rest of the show so I am guessing this nonsensical choice is, once again, courtesy of the producers.

Jacob seems genuinely torn up over this. Jill has decided to leave Paradise. Jacob gives me serious man-child vibes. He is definitely one of those guys who gets married at age 50 to a 25 year old, and then goes on to have 2-3 more marriages with 25 year olds. It’s Jill’s turn to sob in the silver Escalade of death but the second she drives off it’s like a spell is broken and she realizes she was sobbing over a Lyft driver – a LYFT DRIVER – and something tells me Jill will be just fine.

It’s Brittany’s turn to arrive back in Paradise. Apparently she was with Andrew before leaving and I honestly did not remember them being together at all so I am not invested in this scenario. Brittany wants Andrew to tell her to go ahead with Tyler (the toddler) – which shouldn’t be hard since he is looking very cozy with Jessenia. Apparently there is no problem and this conversation ends in a hug. Yawn.

We still have Brandon/ Serene and Victoria/ Johnny left to reunite. I could not be less interested in Brandon and Serene and I am seriously contemplating fast forwarding their reunion. Victoria is only marginally more interesting. I don’t really have any opinion on her and Johnny, although Johnny has made quite a big show of remaining faithful to Victoria, and Victoria is making quite a big show about being torn between Johnny and new guy Alex. This situation doesn’t really interest me. Where is the Shaneado??

We get a ridiculous scene of Serene and Victoria running down the beach into Brandon and Johnny’s arms. Brandon wastes no time dropping the L word on Serene. Can they just get engaged leave the show already!?

Things go slightly less smoothly for Victoria and Johnny. Despite their joyous reunion, Johnny doesn’t take the news well that Victoria had a date with Alex. Which, fair, but also, please take a minute and look at where you are, which is basically fuckbuddy beach. Things could be much worse than Victoria going on a date with someone. Johnny does not seem to agree with me and he thinks they are donezo.

Victoria’s grilling Johnny on whether he is ready for kids, marriage, and what his career goals are. Johnny has no answer for that except that he is “passionate and motivated” which means he has absolutely no career in sight and honestly that’s fine for a 25 year old because that’s when you should be figuring that shit out, not getting married and having kids! (Note – Victoria is only 27 herself.)

At long last the remaining three new guys arrive at the beach, and once again I am reminded how much it’s truly a waste no one has tapped Adam yet.

The producers have run out of more interesting plot lines and are dragging the Victoria/ Johnny/ Alex non-drama wayyyy too far out. Alex is chatting with Victoria, Johnny is spiraling, everyone has opinions. I, as usual, am bored. BUT WAIT!!! Previews for next week show SHANEA AND JACOB ON A DATE OMFG!!!! This is what I have been waiting for since Episode 1!! I willed it into being!! I am seriously rooting for these two crazy (literally) kids. Fingers crossed for next week!! 🤞🤞🤞