First of all, I have had exactly two sex dreams about Jesse Palmer in the past week. I told my husband this and his response was, “he wasn’t even a starter in the NFL.” This man is really filling the Chris Harrison-shaped hole in my heart. (Jesse Palmer not my husband.)

When we last left these crazy kids, Lace had traveled back to the OG beach to profess her undying love to Rodney, meanwhile Rodney is on a date with Eliza and most certainly NOT thinking about Lace. This train wreck of a situation brought to you by…. the producers!

Rodney gets back and has to face the Lace. He tells Lace he “doesn’t want to waste her time” and he chooses Eliza. I typed that before he even said it because these men are nothing if not predictable and cliche. I was VERY excited for Lace to go back to the villa and immedietly jump on some Aussie dick but instead she is GOING HOME!? WHAT!? LACE – Rodney is EXTREMELY MEDIOCRE. I swear these women are suffering from some sort of Stockholm syndrome with the OG boys. There is just no other explanation for these unreasonable attachments.

OK so some scandal happened IRL since last week’s episode with Brandon, who apparently got called out for whining online about how the show depriving him of a whole week with his one true love, Serene, wasn’t faaaaaair. Barf. A week is nothing if you are planning on an actual future with someone, which given that Brandon is literally holding an engagement ring in his intro, I think is safe to assume he is. This makes me desperately wish Serene would cheat on him with one of the new men, but I have little faith in this wish coming true.

We spend a lot of time on Brendan’s fee fees, including a montage of him crying over Michelle Young. Stop trying to make Brendan interesting, people! You know who IS interesting? Jill. Jill is the gift who keeps on giving. She’s now reading from her journal and it goes like this:

“I have no fucking idea what day it is, we have been separated from the boys, moved out of Paradise, I wanna go back to La Playa Escondida, the men here are hot garbage. None of these dudes are funny AT ALL. Give me Rodney Andrew, Michael A., Jacob ANYONE SEND HELP CALL THE POLIIIIIICE!” (SLAM DIARY)

It’s halfway through the next day and the girls are just now noticing Lace is gone. 😬 Jesse comes in to give the girls the news about Lace (no one asked). Even though he is using his sexy, understanding voice, the girls are NOT taking this news well. Don’t get me wrong, they give zero fucks about Lace, but are scared shitless that the OG men are forming strong connections with the new girls. Hello of course they are!? Have you met these guys? Have you seen the five new men standing outside waiting for you? What do you think is supposed to be happening here?!!?

Jesse then casually asks the women who they could possibly see themselves “forming connections” (ugh hate that term) with and who they cannot. The women agree no one is feeling it with Rick or Olu, so Jesse goes and immediately sends them home. Ouch! I honestly can’t picture who either Rick or Olu are so this makes no difference to me. All I care about is someone tapping hot Aussie Adam.

Shanea – despite her desperate attempts to drag Michael back to her sex dungeon last week – says she wants to stick with Logan and can’t imagine being with anyone else. Cut to Logan weighing his non-Shanea options on the beach. There’s Sarah, who already took Logan on one date and of course, is all in on him. But wait, CURVEBALL – apparently Kate drunkenly professed her feelings to Logan at 1:36am the night before. WHAT ABOUT JACOB!! Nobody puts Jacob in the corner!!

Poor Jacob is completely in the dark about Kate and Logan’s 1:36am chat the night before and plops down right between them at breakfast and gives Kate a big smooch right in front of Logan. Cut to Jacob in his interviews saying how much he likes Kate and how he thinks this is the end for him and Jill… Sorry Jacob you will be receiving some very devastating news in about 30 seconds.

A date card arrives and it can only be for one person at this point… Kate! But she hasn’t talked to Jacob yet!! He thinks she will for sure choose him! I actually feel bad for Jacob. He’s like a golden retriever puppy. Just so eager and goofy and all over the place. I want him to find love with someone equally insane and based on Jill’s most recent behavior I think it actually could be her.

In an attempt to avoid humiliating Jacob outright in front of everyone, Kate humiliates Jacob in front of everyone by pulling him for a beachside chat before announcing her pick for the date – which up until this moment everyone in the villa not named Logan assumed would be Jacob. This should be an interesting conversation. Jacob starts it off with the ol’ “I was actually going to talk to you today, too.” Oh Jacob, you are better than this. Kate leads off with’ “I think you’re great, obviously…” UGH. Kate, you are not better than this, but still. Jacob, bless his heart, says he has “so much love for Logan” so he “gets it.” Not Jacob putting everyone else to shame with his shocking levels of emotional maturity!!

Having gotten the dirty work of breaking Jacob’s heart out of the way, Kate announces she’s going on her date with Logan, and Sarah looks like someone just ran over her dog. Everyone just really needs to tone down the dramatic emotional reactions here because the stakes could NOT be lower. This is a date with a stranger. Logan feels the need to pull Sarah since he went on a date with her already, and once again here comes the “I think you’re great” talk. STOP. STOP IT RIGHT THERE. Next week I’m playing a drinking game where I drink every time someone tells someone else they are “great.” Which should be interesting since I typically watch this show in bed in the morning.

Back at the girls hotel, Shanea and Genivieve are wasted. Move over Aaron and James because these two are the new besties of Paradise. They are bonding over tequila shots and giving drunk interviews to the producers and saying they would definitely go home together if nothing else works out. They then pray for rain and IT STARTS RAINING!! They are besties AND have magical powers!!

Meanwhile Logan and Kate are on a very boring date where she massages him (what’s with making couples massage each other!? Someone please add a masseuse to the show’s budget). They also drink champagne while talking about their relationship and then make out in the pool. These two are already reaching Brandon and Serene levels of boring.

Johnny is at the beach saying how there’s no one else he’s interested in besides Victoria, so of course cut to Victoria chatting with Alex. Apparently Alex really impressed her by giving her head a little scratch as he walked by the previous night. These women really need to adjust their standards to above bare minimum effort.

Of course, Victoria gets a date card, and of course, she chooses Alex. Now that Alex is getting some screen time and actually opening his mouth I am sorry to say he is giving me the ick. His voice makes my skin crawl. I don’t know if its too high for how big he is or if he has a terrible (NY?) accent but whatever it is it’s definitely not working for me. Victoria tells him that she has been keeping her distance from him because he is her typical type and reminds her of her ex boyfriends, and his response is “so you’re saying you facially profiled me??” BA-DUM-CHING. I can’t. Although to his credit he says he knows he “looks like everybody’s douchebag ex.”

Brittany is exploring things with Toddler I mean Tyler. Seriously this guy looks like he’s 10. Brittany needs to check his ID before this goes any further. Tyler decides he likes Brittany more than Shanea, and they seal their love with a kiss.

Cut to Shanea wandering around wondering where everyone is. She stumbled upon Adam chillin’ with Jill and Serene on the couches, and Adam invites Shanea to sit down and join them for “wine chats.” WINE CHATS. Will someone marry this man PLEASE. Instead of wine chats with Adam, Shanea chooses locking herself in the bathroom and crying over Tyler. Even though she just said earlier than she was all in on Logan. And meanwhile back at the beach Logan is all in on Kate… My head hurts.

Tomorrow night the villas merge and I have high expectations for this shitshow. Until then…