Night one this week was pretty much just one giant buildup to the women’s rose ceremony (FUCKING FINALLY – seriously, these people are in Paradise for 18 days and it already feels like 10 thousand years) and then we are presented with the MOST SHOCKING TWIST EVER IN BACHELOR IN PARADISE HISTORY, which is… that the Bachelor in Paradise is going to copy Love Island. More on that in a bit.

I was away from my computer while watching Monday and I’m way too lazy to type this shit on my phone, so here is a quick rundown of what I can remember happening – Casey tells Brittany all the shit Pizza Pete was talking about her, then gets so overwhelmed by the drama of his meddling he faints and has to be carted off by paramedics, never to be seen or heard from or even mentioned again. Off the show. Then Danielle Maltby who I vaguely remember from a really ancient season shows up is delivered to Michael minutes before the rose ceremony, because they have not finished playing out the widower storyline yet (and as we are immediately reminded, Danielle is an almost-widower, having lost her fiancée 9 years ago). I don’t mean to sound callous about these very real and very awful losses in these people’s lives, but I’m sorry, the show made it callous when it used them for plot points and cheap entertainment value. Oh, and Pizza Pete self-eliminates before the rose ceremony screaming BONJOURNO BITCHES – which, as I know from my 1 week spent in Italy, translates to “good morning, bitches” and it was NIGHTTIME. WHOSE THE BITCH NOW, PETER!??

Speaking of cheap entertainment value, the SHOCKING TWIST is that Bachelor in Paradise is doing their own version of Love Island’s Casa Amor and having the “old” women move out of the beachside villas, and bringing in fresh new women for the men.

Now the reason Casa Amor works so well on Love Island is because 1) each season of the show is literally 10 million years long (there are 60 episodes a season!), 2) relatively few new arrivals come in and out 3) the cast is incentivized to form a legit romantic connection because they win a cash prize if the audience likes their relationship best (aka finds it most plausible) in the end. This means the cast of Love Island has the time and motivation to have actual real relationships with each other, and they actually do, with a lot of relationships still going long after the show is over (maybe because they don’t force them to get engaged!!). So on Love Island by the time Casa Amor rolls around the cast has usually been together at least a month and a half, and there are real relationships to be “tested” by the Casa Amor separation/ temptation.

Bachelor in Paradise is not Love Island. These people have been here for what, 5 days at this point? People are partner swapping daily, if not multiple times in a day. The only “couple” that has been together from “the beginning” (aka 96 hours ago) is Brandon and Serena. Everyone else is playing musical chairs and just trying to not be the person standing when the music stops. But beyond that couldn’t give a shit about the person they are coupled up with. I think the second “longest” couple is maybe Genevieve and Aaron, who have been together all of two days at this point.

So, as we’ve established, Casa Amor works as a dramatic plot twist because there are real relationships to test, and some truly devastating recouplings come out of it each season. But there are basically no real relationships on Paradise, so there is nothing interesting to test. At least that is my take going into it.

The new girls are trotted out towards the end of Monday’s episode and they are… underwhelming. The teasers for this week’s episode made it seem like they brought in some real bombshells (to borrow a Love Island term), but this is definitely the JV team. The boys are still salivating like hyenas because….. well….

The “old” girls, to their credit, completely acknowledge the fatality of their situation. They aren’t dumb. They know their connections at this point are about as strong as Lace’s fake eyelashes.

New girls include such (un)recognizable faces as Eliza from Clayton’s season, Sarah from Clayton’s season, Kate from Clayton’s season, Jessenia from Matt James’ season, and someone from Bachelor Australia named Florence. I totally forgot about Bachelor Australia. I did watch the first 3 seasons of Bachelor Canada though, and honestly, like all things, it was WAY better than the US version.

The OG ancient hags are having a variety of meltdowns while packing up their rooms. Someone needs to put Jill on suicide watch. She claims she is a “penguin” and when she finds her person, that’s it – her person being Jacob, who she has been coupled up with for, no joke, 24 hours. She also threatens to blow Jacob’s dick clean off if he cheats on her. OK so maybe prison for Jill? Could really go either way.

Everyone is threatening to leave. Look I don’t blame them, they know what’s up, they were all new puss-girls- at one point. Someone sit these girls down and show them just one single season of Love Island so they can see that all is not lost and their salvation in the form of new dicks of their very own is just around the corner. (Also, if anyone is going to watch a season of Love Island please make it Season 1 where everyone was drinking heavily 24-7, smoking like chimneys, and having porno sex on camera every night. It was absolute mayhem and absolute perfection.)

The old girls are silver-Escaladed off to their new accommodations which look like a gorgeous five star hotel and far better than the beach palapas they were in before. I don’t know exactly how bad things were down at the beach, but these girls are thrilled to see a bathroom. A BATHROOM. Yikes. Personally I would WAY rather be in this air conditioned hotel with 1000 thread count sheets, running hot water, and room service cocktails than back at camping at the beach.

The girls are pouting while basking in AC on the $7000 couches. Someone at least get these girls a drink! Who needs men when you have AC and margs!?

Finally, the girls can stop crying and moping because here are the NEW MEN. The girls are underwhelmed and honestly I feel bad for these dudes. The men back at the beach were literally jumping and cheering when the old girls drove off into the sunset, and these girls can barely be bothered to stand up for these new guys.

As far as the new men we have: Olu from Michelle Young’s season, Adam from Bachelorette Australia (hello Adam!), Tyler from Becca & Gabby’s season, Rick from Michelle’s season, and Alex from Rachel Lindsey’s season (um, hello Alex!).

Jill is unnaturally obsessed with Jacob – again, they have been together 24, maybe 48 hours? – and of course, cut to Jacob already making out with new girl Kate, and cut back to Jill stroking her crystals and crying in bed. HELLO JILL HAVE YOU SEEN ADAM HE IS RIGHT OUTSIDE.

Shockingly, Aaron has stated he will remain loyal to Genevieve which… props to him I guess? Something tells me its less to do with Genevieve and more to do with not being interested in any of the new girls, but whatever. Johnny has also stated he will be loyal to Victoria (?) (I already forget who he is coupled up with).

Jacob, on the other hand, clearly understood the assignment. He knows this hot mess is what Paradise is all about and is taking full advantage right from the get go.

Shanea also understands the assignment (see I told you Jacob and Shanea were meant to be together!!) and is shooting her shot hard with Tyler, who has the sexual appeal of an apple, yet somehow all the women are fawning over him. Shanea is looking at him like a spider that’s caught a fly in her web, and is determined to drag him back to boom boom room for the night. But right as Shanea is going in for the kill, Jill comes and cockblocks with her sadness over Jacob. Truly, I don’t know if this is just a particularly savage edit or Jill is actually insane. I hate to say it but Jacob is making the right choice dragging his dick all over the beach.

It’s a new day and Rodney is smitten with new girl Eliza – they are literally making life plans together soooooo, sorry Lace! Let’s be real though, him and Lace made no sense together and were only coupled up out of convenience/ lack of better options. I truly hope Lace jumps on that Australian stallion Adam STAT because she deserves the best dick paradise has to offer and he is IT.

Cut to Lace sobbing in bed over Rodney. WTF! GIRL you guys were together for 24 hours!! Why are these women wasting tears over these extremely mediocre men who they have known for literal minutes. You have five brand new extremely hot, extremely DTF men outside. Whoever said “these hoes ain’t loyal” clearly never watched a season of Bachelor in Paradise. Because these hoes are psychotically loyal!!

Despite Jill being in full on breakdown mode in the 48 hours since she’s been away from Jacob, apparently Lace is the one who really can’t handle her separation from Rodney because she is hopping into a silver Escalade of DEATH and heading back to the OG Villa to…. See if Rodney feels the same? Spoiler alert – Rodney does not feel the same. He is essentially wifed-up with Eliza and currently snuggling her on a romantic dinner. This tragic moment at Lace’s expense is so clearly scripted by the producers I can’t really take it seriously.

Lace waltzes in and you can tell the guys actually genuinely feel bad for her embarrassing herself this badly. They very nicely ask her if she’s ok, and invite her to sit with them while she waits for Rodney to get back from his date. Predictably, Rodney returns hand in hand with Eliza, breaking Lace’s heart. HOW DARE HE!!!

And of course we have to wait until next week to see how THAT all plays out. Probably not well for Lace. I sincerely hope she goes back to the villa and has air-conditioned sex with Adam. For the love of god someone needs to!!