Are Ashley and Jared seriously still in Paradise?! I get they are the show’s little darlings, despite the fact that both times they were on the show JARED CHOSE SOMEONE ELSE. And look, props to the girl for never giving up and eventually getting her man. They are actually a very cute couple who seem genuinely happy and functional. I wish the show would embrace their tortured history rather than pretend they fell in love in Paradise which they most certainly did not.

After what feels like weeks of waiting, Salley is here to join her suitcase, and I honestly do NOT understand why all the men are so excited and the women are so threatened. Salley is a HOT MESS and not in a fun way like Lace. Salley tells Jesse that she backed out of three attempts to get her to paradise, twice not even showing up at the airport for her flight, and once showing up but refusing to board the plane. This screams sanity! She gives the weak excuse that she “had some work stuff” ummm yeah, ok. I’m sure your 20,000 Instagram follows have enough Sugar Bear Hair gummies to last them until you return.

The cast already knows that Sally’s work story is bullshit because they heard the REAL story from Wells, and the girls are. Not. Having. It. Genevieve and Shanea have questions for Salley. They don’t like that she’s taking a spot from someone else who actually is ready for a relationship. Bitches, please. None of you are ready for a relationship. Genevieve you have been with two different guys in the past 48 hours, sit down. But I am here for this messy drama anyway. Salley folds after exactly one question from Shanea, mumbles something about how she works WITH her ex, but also needed to have a conversation about her ex “out of respect for him.” Jesus Salley is way messier than I thought. Dude, he dumped you, you owe him nothing and no explanation about your actions anymore.

Justin and Salley kissed at Stagecoach (who didn’t!) and since Justin is super desperate after Genevieve chose Aaron over him, he swoops in on Salley immediately. Then Romeo – who acknowledges he has been “dead man walking” all week after making himself the Paradise pariah – shoots his shot. Poor Salley is getting shit on by the girls and also their shitty man-scraps.

Now Salley wants to leave – get this – “out of respect for her ex.” This girl is certifiable. I am torn because on one hand, I feel really sorry for the terrible emotional damage her ex clearly did to her that she is so obsessed with the wellbeing of someone who very very clearly does not return the feeling, but on the other hand she is so lacking in any self-awareness it’s hard to be sympathetic and she just seems truly crazy and unstable and needs to get help.

Aaaaand just like that, Salley is gone after about 45 minutes in Paradise. Wah wahhhhhh. Sorry Justin and Romeo.

New day, new fuckery. In walks Peter the Pizza guy. I actually remember this asshole. He was on Michelle Young’s season of the Bachelorette and she kicked him off for being a complete narcissist douche. He was aggressive and obnoxious and talked incessantly about his stupid pizza chain as though he was taking meetings with Jeff Bezos and Bill Gates. Dude owns a couple pizzerias in FLORIDA. He’s tacky and show off-y and, of course, also totally fragile, and when called out on his obnoxious shit by the guys on Michelle’s season, he responded by having a tantrum and throwing one of their jackets in the pool.

Peter pulls Victoria first and before asking her a thing about herself he informs her that he owns a chain of pizzerias. He then sits down at the bar with Shanea and pulls the oldest narcissist trick in the book – complementing someone on something you want them to actually compliment you back on. Peter clearly wants to show off whatever cheesy street corner jewelry he picked up on the way to the airport, so he compliments Shanea’s gold bracelets, and she politely compliments him back on his necklace which he gives entirely too much info about – 18K gold with 3 carats of diamonds! OOOOH 3 CARATS! Shanea is not impressed and calls him cocky and arrogant.

Next he is chatting with Brittany who seems like a genuinely nice person who we never see because she’s been cozied up in a happy couple with geriatric daddy Casey. This guy just radiates sleeze but Brittany admits she knows nothing about him coming into this, and he manages to pretend to be a human long enough in their conversation that she agrees to go on a date with him. Wait, what about Casey!?

Brittany, bless her heart, is still woefully unaware of Pete’s bullshit and is optimistic for their date. Meanwhile, geriatric daddy Casey – who is admittedly not the most unbiased messenger – has some hilariously accurate takes on Peter: “He’s a one note character who only talks about himself. The kind of guy who really makes my Italian ancestors roll in their graves. The chances that Peter is talking about pizza on this date are 1 out of 1. If he’s not overtly saying how good his Pizza business is, he will be saying like “isn’t this good slice of life” his entire vocabulary is pizza based.” I love Casey daddy.

Cut to Peter on the date, doing exactly as Casey predicted. He’s asking Brittany questions… about himself. Peter: “What was the first thing you noticed about me?” Brittany: “Your eyes” Peter: “what else?” Cut to Brittany – “I’ve never been on a date before with someone who is more interested in themselves than me.” Then cut to Peter talking about all the shit he owns, like a jet ski, and its just so cringe and awful. This guy can’t be for real, right? Brittany literally gave him a clean slate and benefit of the doubt and he managed to turn her off completely while on a really romantic yacht in the middle of the ocean on a gorgeous blue sky day. That is truly an accomplishment.

Peter tries to kiss Brittany and she shuts that down hard. By the end of the date she is disgusted by Peter and she can’t wait to get away from him.

Brittany and Peter are back and downloading their dates to the girls and bros, and let’s just say they have pretty different versions of what happened. According to Brittany, Peter is the exact opposite of what she wants in a person. Peter, acknowledging the date didn’t go great but clueless as to why, decides to attack Brittany personally by questioning her motives for being in Paradise. Just when you thought he could not possibly get worse, Pete is here to lower the bar right down to the gates of hell. He alleges that Brittany is just some clout-chasing Instagram model, and that she doesn’t like him BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH OF A FOLLOWING FOR HER. He thinks he was charming, humble, and witty on the date and that if he took a girl out for a date on a yacht back home, they would be hooking up by now. BARF BARF BARF please get this man off my screen.

Moving on we have Jacob and Jill (why has no one made a Jack and Jill joke???) on a date that involves getting naked and harnessing the energy of the full moon while tantric breathing. Jacob notes that he is an expert in breathing because he “does it every day.” 😑 Then for some reason they have to get naked and say what like best about each other. Jacob like’s Jill’s ass. 😑😑😑 They’re both desperate at this point so I see this working out for the next 2-3 days.

Back at the villa it’s ANOTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAY. This time, Serene is the birthday girl, and Brandon is predictably fawning over her with a cake some PA had the kitchen staff work overtime to make.

Jill and Jacob are back and GLOWING. But no one cares when people are happy. Including me. Thankfully, Kira is back from the local hotel and she came to stir shit up! She feels she has unfinished business with Jacob, and she wants to know why he didn’t give her his rose. Sorry Kira, bad timing, Jacob is fresh off a date where he become dickmatized by Jill’s ass, literally. Regardless, Jacob spends way too long talking to Kira, and Jill is sick of watching his nonsense and stomps off to bed. Jacob finally gets his fill of flattery from Kira and he lets her down with the standard “sorry but our connection wasn’t there I wish you the best of luck” and runs off to grovel to Jill who takes him back with open arms.

Since Kira is now technically a single female on the beach, Romeo swoops in because remember, they have history! He’s desperate AF and is there to offer a shoulder for Kira to cry on. Romeo is looking pretty good to Kira, too, after she was rejected by the real reason she came back to the beach, Jacob. Romeo tells Kira he should have picked her instead of Jill. Well YEAH in hindsight!! This apparently impresses Kira enough that she asks him to leave Paradise with her tonight. Given Jacob has turned off every single romantic prospect possible at this point, what better option does he have? Spoiler – none. After way too long of a pause he says, “alright” with a very heavy sigh indicating he understands this is truly the least awful of his shitty options. Romeo looks like a hostage in their exit interview. I doubt they last until the end of the Escalade ride.

Thank god this episode is over. But seriously, we aren’t even getting one rose ceremony a week!? The women STILL have the roses. This is absurd, let’s move it along people!! Next week’s previews indicate they are pulling a Love Island/ Casa Amor scenario and sending the old girls away and bringing in fresh new girls for the guys. Gee I wonder what will happen??

Until next week…. 🍹🍹🍹