It’s always an exciting day when I discover a new vampire show. I watch them all. Sadly this also means I have wasted hours (probably years) of my life on some truly terrible shows. But since I have learned nothing from the past and live only for the present (kind of like a dog but with vampire shows), I am taking the plunge into Peacock’s new show, Vampire Academy.

This show apparently came out last month and I heard zero about it which is not the best sign. But honestly I don’t hear much about anything anymore since I pay extra to keep the screeching sounds of commercials out of my precious streaming subscriptions. So it’s entirely possible this show was highly promoted. Don’t know, don’t care!

A word on vampire shows and movies in general. The seemingly most difficult hurdle for these types of shows/ movies to overcome is the complete saturation of this genre, which makes it nearly impossible to have an original idea anymore. BUT, wiser writers know how to harness this challenge into a strength. And that’s by following certain rules.

Given vampires have become ingrained in our cultural lexicon, viewers have come to develop certain expectations for how vampires work. Much like watching a show about the universe and expecting the Earth to be round and circling around the sun. No one would take a show seriously if it proclaimed the Earth was flat and circling around Mars. Vampires are no different. The fact the universe is real and vampires are not does not matter. Vampires are real enough in the media today that their portrayal comes with certain expectations, which can be bent but not broken. In fact exploiting the flexibility of the vampire rules is usually what makes new vampire shows or movies incredibly successful.

The Rules, which I have compiled with zero research and according to the only authority that matters, me, are:

• Vampires are immortal and do not age
• Vampires can only be killed with a stake to the heart (usually wooden, not always) (ripping their heads off also seems to work across many iterations but I have yet to see an explanation for why this wouldn’t heal/ regenerate like other forms of vampire injury/dismemberment)
• Vampires cannot go in the sun without some type of repercussion (dying, burning, sparkling)
• Vampires drink blood (human or animal)
• Vampires have supernatural healing abilities (themselves and possibly others)
• Vampires must be invited into a home by its owner/ occupant
• Vampires have some form of mind control powers over humans
• Vampires are not subject to human laws but have their own social and legal structure usually with some shadowy evil figures at the top (the Volturi in Twilight, the Originals in Vampire Diaries, the Authority in True Blood)
• Vampires are created in a specific way, usually involving biting and/or vampire blood (e.g., drinking vampire blood and dying (Vampire Diaries), draining of all blood by a vampire and sleeping in dirt together (True Blood), vampire bite with a certain venom (Twilight))
• Vampires are a secret from humans

Equally important are the things that have been rejected by current vampire canon. While it may have worked on Dracula, the following has no impact on today’s vampires:

• Garlic
• Crucifixes
• Holy water

In addition, plot lines must include the obligatory forbidden love, (usually between vampire and human), supernatural forces beyond vampires at work (witches, demons, fairies, magic etc.), and vampires being at war with another faction outside themselves – supernatural or otherwise (werewolves, witches, humans, etc.)

Nothing hotter than someone who wants to kill you!

The shows that follow The Rules that I just made up entirely but find incredibly authoritative – while still managing to have a somewhat unique and interesting storyline – are the ones that succeed. Those that stretch The Rules too far or ignore them completely make for unhappy viewers.

Off the bat Vampire Academy has a major advantage in that the show’s producer and director, Julie Plec, just so happens to be the co-creator of my all-time favorite vampire show (and second all-time favorite show), Vampire Diaries. (Please ask my husband about the time I came out of anesthesia talking about Elena, Damon and Stefan.) The show is also, like Vampire Diaries, based on a series of young adult vampire novels, which bodes well for rule-following rather than rebelling.

If you care about the actual plot, here it is according to Peacock:

“Lissa, a royal vampire, and her best friend and protector, Rose, navigate romance, class politics and ancient magic at their boarding school St. Vladimir’s Academy. As Rose trains to be a guardian, a mysterious bond develops between the two friends and they must work together to decipher it, all while facing threats like the bloodthirsty and undead strigoi.”

By the end of Episode 1 the show ticks a lot of boxes very quickly. Forbidden love? Check. Weird vampire hierarchy/monarchy? Check. Vampires at war with another species? Check. No sunlight? Check. Blood drinking? Check. Secret from humans? Check. Healing powers? Check (sort of).

Some things are still unclear, like aging, family structure, and vampire creation. But Julie Plec would probably not break any of these rules, but it will fun to see how she stretches them for our entertainment.

Weird royal shit