This absolute train wreck of a show has been on for a million seasons. OK so I looked it up and it’s actually fifteen seasons – fifteen!!! That is a LOT. That’s like, Supernatural-territory (the show, not the phenomena- shoutout to Jensen Ackles!).

In addition there are two international spinoffs of the American MAFS – MAFS UK and MAFS Australia. I’ve watched both and I can say that UK is by far the worst, and Australia by far the best (way better than the American OG). Which is strange because when it comes to Love Island, a show which started in the UK and now has Australian and US spinoffs (and South Africa apparently but I have not watched), UK is far and away the best, followed closely by Australia, with US dead last gasping in the gutter. Someday I will analyze why, but today is not that day! No, today is the day I rundown all the couples on the current mess (because they are all a mess) of Married at First Sight – San Diego.

Mitch & Kristen

This couple makes zero sense together. These people would have never ever come into each other’s lives if not for the show. They would not have matched on Tinder (or whatever the kids use these days- Hinge?), they would not have approached each other in a bar, they would not have crossed paths on the street, and that all would have been for the best.

Mitch is a staunch environmentalist in a way that is hard to criticize because let’s face it, the planet is going to shit and we are all to blame to some extent. So, dedicating your life to making sure you limit that impact as much as possible is truly admirable. BUT. BUT. BUT. Mitch’s dedication is an obsession. He is the Tom Brady of environmentalism. He shames Kirstin for her iced lattes unless she brings a reusable cup. He shames Kirstin for her dream of starting a house-flipping business because it takes the homes away from lower income people who would otherwise be able to buy them (a lot of issues with this argument of his but I won’t start). He shames Kirstin for wearing makeup and dressing nice because he wanted a granola hippie-chick. Are you seeing a pattern here? Mitch shames Kirstin and she twists herself into pretzel knots to try and please and appease him. Sometimes he is appeased and they get along, but only at great personal effort and expense on Kirstin’s behalf, and none on Mitch’s.

I sincerely hope Kirstin ditches him on decision day and finds a man who appreciates her because she is a genuinely cool, interesting, and beautiful woman. And I hope Mitch finds the dirty hippie of his dreams willing to live in his pigsty of a house and reuse their toilet paper.

Miguel & Lindy

Lindy is an interesting case because she grew up ensconced in a very strict religion which sounds a lot like the town from Footloose, because they weren’t allowed to date or dance or do anything fun. Despite her effed up upbringing she seems pretty normal and well-adjusted. Like I would expect a much bigger train wreck of a human to come out of that environment. But Lindy is emotionally intelligent, funny, and sweet.

Miguel is a self-professed dork who loves cosplaying and Dungeons & Dragons. But outside of that information being a part of his initial background, I haven’t seen that side of him once in the show. He seems like a regular dude and him and Lindy get along OK for them most part.

Miguel flew a major red flag early when he refused to put Lindy on his employer health insurance (since she did not have any insurance of her own) unless she took his last name(!!!). Such a weird, controlling request – to tie something so permanent and personal like changing your name, to something relatively administrative (and free, and revocable anytime), that protects your wife’s health and your joint finances as a couple should something happen to her.

Miguel is also SUPER sensitive to Lindy’s playful side that yes, can sometimes manifest as her being a little negative and self-depicating, but I’ve never seen it be problematic from an outside perspective. Miguel cannot handle any level of emotion that isn’t 100% positive all the time and that alone tells me he isn’t ready for a relationship. Any reaction she has that is frustrated or annoyed he finds problematic – of HER. No sense of why she is angry or frustrated or annoyed or his role in it.

For example in the episode I am currently watching Miguel and Lindy are in a major fight because she got mildly annoyed when he wouldn’t take nice pictures of her in her pretty dress before the group “prom.” OK, first of all, any boyfriend/ fiancé/ husband knows that taking nice pictures of your girlfriend/ fiancée/wife when she is all dressed up and looking good is a MAJOR part of your job description. Like 99% of it.

But Miguel was lying on the bed and didn’t waaaaant toooo at that moment, and Lindy was (understandably) a little huffy and sad. Miguel twisted that into accusing her of raising her voice and being mad at him, and is currently making Lindy feel like an awful mean angry person when really he should have just sucked it up and gotten up and taken some damn pics of his pretty wife.

He has zero self-awareness, and poor Lindy feels scared she will lose him when she does something “wrong” – which is a horrible feeling to have in a relationship – that you will be punished for just being yourself around your partner, and that the entire relationship is on the line every time you “mess up.” That’s called walking on eggshells and it’s a relationship killer.

I feel like they will stay together on decision day but hopefully Lindy will get the strength to leave him sooner than later. She deserves better, and he just needs someone different who meshes with him.

Alexis & Justin

Ooooh boy. Justin is a real piece of work and I have a lot to say about him. We first meet Justin during his background segment and he attributing him not yet settling down to the fact that women just see him as nothing more than “a piece of meat.” So basically he is so hot women are just using him for sex(???). He also makes a HUGE deal about how he has been “abstinent” for a year and a half prior to the show – the implication being that he was having SO MUCH SEX he had to take a conscious step away from it and intentionally not engage in ALL THE SEX HE WOULD HAVE OTHERWISE BEEN HAVING.

At 6’7 tall, he thinks his height makes him extremely desirable to all women across the board. Boy, take a seat. This man is average looking at best. He is no stud and I find it very hard to believe he has spent his adult life beating women off with a stick the way he portrays.

While Justin has an extremely overinflated sense of his own desirability, he also manages to ooze insecurity with every interaction he has with his new wife Alexis. He tells her he loves her on like night 2 of the honeymoon, and is constantly begging for some form of reassurance from her. Initially this comes across as sweet and emotionally available to Alexis, and she is very into him at first. But as time goes on she is clearly and appropriately turned off by his general ickiness and extreme over-emotional reactions to things. She initially said she loved him back, and later admitted she really didn’t. Harsh but fair.

Justin and Alexis have gone through some things. In addition to his other undesirable qualities, he’s strangely controlling, which I think is because of his insecurity, but regardless it’s not cool. He doesn’t like her going out with her friends on the weekends. I mean I agree its not great to have one spouse clubbing every day of the week, but these people are relatively young and childless, why not have fun? Why won’t he just go with her?? That question is never answered. Regardless one night out with the girls a week sans spouse is totally fine in a normal healthy relationship.

Alexis seems to be going through the motions to get through the show but I think regardless of what they decide on decision day (and I can see them staying married because she’s giving me minor Stockholm syndrome vibes at this point) she will bail on Justin soon after.

Stacia & Nate

I had low expectations for these two in the beginning. Nate was a self-proclaimed player who dated a lot, but never had been in a serious relationship or in love before. Stacia has her shit together in a major way, pulling down mid-six figures a year and committed to building “generational wealth” and working her ass off to get there. She asks Nate to sign a post-nup shortly after the wedding and I find that totally reasonable and responsible of her. (Really ALL these couples should be doing pre and/or postnup’s, but that’s a post for another day.)

So we have Stacia with her shit majorly together – in life and emotionally – and Nate who… does not. But somehow these two seem to be genuinely getting along with relatively little conflict. I actually can’t think of much to say about them and I realize that’s because the show isn’t spending much time filming them because they aren’t generating much drama. BOOORRRRIIINNNG.

I predict they will stay together on decision day, and they might actually be one of the fabled characters who make it long term after the show ends.

Morgan & Binh

RIP Morgan and Binh’s marriage. These two decided to divorce after episode 11 (?)-ish. And even before that they were living apart and barely interacting except during the required sit downs with “the experts.”

Basically Binh is an emotional fetus and has absolutely no ability to feel, express, or interact with anything that involves emotions. I feel for him because he seems painfully aware of this fact and attributes it to an upbringing with a harsh father where emotions were not allowed. Terrible. But that doesn’t change the fact that he is wholly unprepared for a mature relationship before doing some serious work on himself.

Morgan quickly intuited that Binh was not set up for handling a relationship. Binh didn’t help matters by making a really stupid mistake on the honeymoon where he told another cast member that Morgan was not really a nurse (she is) because he was confused about her education level. Morgan was understandably pissed for him publicly implying she was lying (!!) about her professional certification.

Binh was appropriately apologetic after the incident, but he did some other dumb shit like continue to talk to Justin about his and Morgan’s problems behind her back and then lied about what he was doing. So the door was shut on Binh as far as Morgan was concerned pretty early on. She was arguably a little harsh and unforgiving, but I think she just used these incidents as an excuse to end what was clearly a bad marriage for her (and Binh as well even though he wasn’t able to see it at the time).

These two were clearly terribly matched and better apart.