First of all, I am very proud of this title and stand by it, even though my husband informed me it doesn’t make sense so I had to explain it to him. And my husband is a very smart man, so if you get it, congrats! You are officially smarter than my husband!

Back to the matter at hand, after WEEKS of waiting and 72 full hours during which lives and destinies were shaped for the cast in Paradise, we are finally getting our first rose ceremony of the season. This should have happened episode 1, but since the entire show was filmed over the course of only 18 days they have to stretch each one of those days out into an entire episode each.

Right off the bat I am excited because the producers have finally taken a break from ruining lives and made time to make the cast intro promos! Highlights include Shanea in front of the massive bonfire literally burning it all down is everything. AND YES DRUNK LACE falling off a log with a marg. Girl, I love you. Never change. And of course Jesse Palmer throws a football. Also love you Jesse. Also never change.

Cut to directly where we left off last night which was Romeo ugly crying over the mess he created by completely overestimating his appeal and generally acting like a shady asshole.

Jacob is the man of the night. Kira, Lace, and Hailey ALL want Jacob’s dic- I mean rose. None of these girls have spoken to Jacob prior to tonight. I’ve only seen Jacob speak to himself and his abs. All of them are pleading their cases but none better than Kira, who stripped down to a palm-leaf bikini to be the Jane to Jacob’s Tarzan. Jacob has put in exactly zero effort with anyone until the night of the rose ceremony, and is suddenly the most desirable man in paradise. This might be the most accurate part of the show.

Hailey is feeling, acting, and looking unstable. I also want to point out that ia third Hailey/ Shanea lookalike has recently been brought to my attention and her name is Hunter. I haven’t seen her once since the intro where she was sitting on a toilet.

There are a few couples that are so solid after 72 whole hours that they are already coming up with wedding hastags. We have Serene and Brandon, Sierra and Michael/ Zaddy, and, randomly out of nowhere, Brittany and Casey/ geriatric daddy.

As it turns out, today is ACTUALLY Genevieve’s birthday, as opposed to when it was Lace’s birthday two days ago but not really her birthday (love a girl who isn’t afraid to lie about her birthday for free cake and attention). Everything I learn about Lace makes me like her more. She got people to celebrate a fake birthday knowing this fact would be fully verifiable by production and her BS would be called out for all the world to see when the show aired and SHE. GIVES. ZERO. FUCKS. Because Lace is gonna Lace.

Genevieve and Justin are having a chat and, like most men on this beach and in life, he appears to be having a serious problem understanding the consequences of his actions. He brought her a birthday cake baked by the staff and put together by the producers, and after ALL that effort on his part he can’t believe she would call him out for being shady AF.

Hunter is making an appearance! She’s cozied up with Johnny who has also been absent from any episodes and drama and now we know why. Boringest mystery officially solved. But oh wait, here comes Victoria to ruin Hunter’s life by pulling Johnny aside and stroking his hair and holding his hand and NOW THEY ARE KISSING HOLY SHIT. WOW. Hunter is literally watching this mess go down with the man she was sure she was going to marry, so geriatric daddy Casey swoops in and takes her to the bar for a drink.

In walks Jesse clinking his glass and looking F-I-N-E per usual. I think I have Stockholm syndrome with whoever is the host of the bachelor at any given time. I would have legit committed a felony if Chris Harrison asked me to. There are also a lot of other things I would have done for Chris Harrison if he had asked me to but this is a family blog! JK my family is just as if not more inappropriate than me. Settle down.

Jesse is talking and he looks really good in a suit. Time for the roses! Let’s see what all this tension as been building up to….

Andrew – Teddi. He likes her smiley face and their little moments.

Brandon – Serene. She is his most beautiful and brightest job. Barf. Next.

Michael/ Zaddy – Sierra.

Logan – Shanea

Casey – Brittany

Jacob!!!! Remember Jacob is choosing between Lace, Kira, and Hailey. And the rose goes to….. LACE!!!!! YES THE MAN HAS TASTE. He believes she is “as stunning and she is iconic.” The man understands. Thank you Jacob.

Justin – Another tense love triangle between Genevieve and Victoria. And the rose goes to…. Genevieve!! I’m honestly shocked. She’s been a mess. But some men like a mess. Just ask my husband.

Johnny – This man was fully coupled up with Hunter but then went and randomly made out with Victoria right before the rose ceremony. And his rose goes to… Victoria!! HOLY EFFING SHIT. All I can say is poor Hunter.

Romeo – no one would accept this rose after the drama and breakdowns everyone witnessed. But he goes ahead and gives it to Jill, who flat out told him that door was slammed shut forever on him. He tells her wants either a fresh start, or for her to be able to stay and explore new connections. I choose option B for her and pretty sure she is choosing the same.

So, we are saying adios to Kira, Hailey, and Hunter. I feel the worst for Hunter who was fully in a love cocoon with Johnny for three days, only for Victoria to waltz in at the 11th hour and snatch him away. But, as Hunter astutely notes as her limo drives off – Johnny is Victoria’s problem now. 🔪🔪🔪

It’s a new day and the women have the roses which men the men need to get to hardcore grafting/groveling for all the shit they put these women through. Love it when the tables turn. These women have knives out and are taking zero prisoners.

Time for new arrivals and in walks the “bestie bros” from last season, James and Aaron. Last time they were on Paradise they found love… with each other and left together. It was actually kind of hilarious because they made it almost to the end with two different girls who fully expected a romantic beach proposal, and in the end the guys just decided they weren’t that into these girls and peaced out and moved in with each other back home.

James and Aaron (I can’t with them because my husband and I are James and Erin) are hot and they know it. Guys are scared, girls are getting their tits out. Something tells me some serious shit is about to go down, and this is exactly why we watch Paradise. Let the horny games begin!!

Genevieve has been crying over Justin for three days, finally got his rose, and is fully ready to drop him for Aaron. Apparently Genevieve hung out with Aaron prior to the show, 8and Shanea actually accused Genevieve on national TV of fucking Aaron after she left Clayton’s season!!! Also remember (no, I did not) that Shanea and Genevieve have history, namely that they were on a 2 on 1 date with Clayton on his season. So they hate each other, which means I have no doubt the producers will shove them into this double date with Aaron and James today.

Jacob, giving zero fucks ass (typo and it stays) usual, is off the the side chowing on a whole pineapple like it’s corn on the cob. I love him.

Aaron picks Genevieve for the double date and James picks Shanea because the producers told them to. Let’s get this drama started!

The date has started and its weird as hell. They are at some resort full of paid extras doing some kind of weird competition that involves chicken fighting, taco eating, and twerking. Things are going well with Aaron and Genevieve and they are making out. I see an unhappy Justin in the future.

James is kind of a dork so I feel like Shanea is gonna stick with Logan who is clearly better looking and cooler.

Back at the villa perpetually clueless Romeo is attempting to shoot his shot, yet again, with Jill, who is running out of ways to tell him she is not interested. This time she tells him that that ship has already sailed so far that it’s approaching the Middle East by now. The look on Romeo’s face is saying “so you’re telling me there’s a chance!” And the look on Jill’s face is “did you seriously go to Harvard.” Someone come save Jill. 

And now it’s time for the annual Bachelor in Paradise tradition of trotting out Paradise’s own Trista and Ryan, Ashley I. and Jared. Those who actually watched Ashely and Jared on paradise remember that he rejected her time and again and ultimately chose someone else. But Ashley persisted after the show, and today they are married with a baby, giving false hope to women everywhere that if you just push a man hard enough he will come around. Hot tip – no, no he will not. Ashley and Jared are the EXCEPTION NOT THE RULE.

Ashley sits down to chat with the girls and we learn Teddi is NOT as into Andrew as Andrew is into her. Oooh cracks in the foundation! Of course Ashley gives the unrealistic advice that – don’t worry! – Jared was not that into me and I still convinced him to marry me! Girl NO.

Ok new arrival time! Welcome to RODNEYYYYY. He’s into Teddi and Serene – well well lucky for you Rodney we just learned Teddi is DT…Find love with someone not named Andrew.

The girls react to Rodney like they are starving on a deserted island and he’s a ribeye steak. Told you – new beats old, every time. Scientific facts.

Despite the two women he is interested in sitting right there on the beach, Rodney pulls “tragically alone” (her words, not mine) Jill for a chat. This has producer meddling written all over it. Next it’s Teddi’s turn. Of course we cut to Andrew saying he sees a future with Teddi, which means Teddi is definitely going on this date with Rodney and breaking Andrew’s heart. 

Teddi pulls Andrew for a chat and despite telling him that he’s the only one she can see things working with for her on Paradise, she is going to break up with him nonetheless? I don’t really know I tuned out halfway through and got distracted looking at pictures online of Jesse Palmer. 

15 minutes to go in this train wreck and I’m ready for it to be over. Teddi is crying. She thinks there was too much pressure on her and Andrew to be a “thing” coming into this and she cant handle it and wants to leave. She wants to get married and have kids and she doesn’t see it happening here. Someone at a bare minimum needs to explain to this girl how babies work.

Teddi girl, you are 25. I was dancing on bars in my bra taking tequila shots Cowboy Ugly style at your age. LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Wow Teddi is so committed to her housewife fantasy that she is LEAVING. The silver Escalade of death is here to take Teddi away to whatever hotel they stash the losers in until the season is done filming. Teddi Irish goodbye’s hardcore and no one knows she left until Serene asks Wells where Teddi is (I love Serene as the house mom). Serene is then tasked with delivering this news to Andrew. Everyone is completely scandalized over Teddi’s sudden departure. Jill is crying. Logan has opinions. Andrew thinks this isn’t faaaaaiiiir. Michael/ Zaddy is concerned about Rodney’s future on the show because he was considering(!!) Teddi for his date.

Cut to Rodney carrying his date card ready to bestow everyone the news that he has chosen his date and it’s Teddi and… she’s gone. I bet it takes him all of about 2.5 seconds to move on.

AND SCENE. Thank god. I need 27 (more) margaritas now.