Any seasoned Bachelor in Paradise viewer knows that episode 2 and on is all about the new kids. No matter how gorgeous your current partner is, a new person is always hotter. Nothing beats new. It’s science. Just ask Chris Rock:

The episode’s first science experiment proving my hypothesis is Victoria F., who arrives waving the traditional date card flag in everyone’s faces, sending the girls panicking, and the guys… doing nothing but sitting there because thats all the guys have to do this week since they have the roses. God they’re smug.

Victoria interviews men for her date and settles on Justin, who Genevieve has already fallen madly in love with in the past 24 hours. Cut to Genevieve sobbing in the bathroom. Justin pulls her for a chat and Genevieve – to her credit – plays it fucking cool as hell. I respect that. Meanwhile she tells the camera, deadpan, that she hopes the date goes terribly. I also respect that.

Kira is sort of becoming my favorite skank on the beach because she understands what the show is about and doesn’t hide it. She lectures Genevieve about putting all her eggs in one basket and how she should have explored other connections. Strangely reasonable advice coming from the chick who was having a catfight in the sand over a dude not 12 hours earlier.

Victoria and Justin are on their romantic date swimming in a mountain stream, meanwhile Genevieve is crying again, this time at the bar – where the hell is Wells!? This is LITERALLY his one job: counseling drunk crying chicks. Sadly wells apparently did not get paid for the day shift, so poor Andrew has to be his stand-in. Genevieve demands Andrew say one name and one name ONLY as the girl most compatible with Justin. I’m surprised she didn’t preface it with “GUN TO THE HEAD”. Andrew says some word salad and Genevieve gets another drink and continues crying. This is going well.

Shanea and Kira are by the pool discussing strategy. Shanea tells Kira she could maybe stand to tone it down a bit in her approach, which is met by a blank stare from Kira. Kira has exactly zero intention of toning anything down, Shanea!!

Cut to Casey (geriatric daddy) and Michael (sexy zaddy) (not my names for them) walking on the beach discussing both their interactions with Kira the night before. Casey said she played with his nipples and told him her love language was <bleep>. I truly have no idea what is under that bleep and I desperately need to know. Sex? Blow jobs? Whipped cream bikinis??? Whatever it was, Casey tells us his love language is tacos so he doesn’t think him and Kira are a match. Whomp whomp. Zaddy is also concerned Kira is too much of a freak for him – guys, you DO realize what show you are on, right!? These two bore more. Next.

Oh goodie more Jacob footage. He isn’t naked, but he is doing pushups on the beach while telling the camera that he considers himself to be a perfect physical specimen. He’s not wrong. But he’s also so in love with himself I have yet to see him interact with a female which does not bode well for his continued presence on my TV screen. Lock it up, Jacob!!

Sierra pulls Zaddy for a chat and they talk about him being widowed and the difficulties of the day to day little stuff – honestly its a pretty endearing convo, but before we fall too deeply in love with poor widowed Zaddy, lets remember that this man has been on two nationally televised dating shows in the past three years, so I feel like he isn’t struggling THAT much. Too harsh!? Sorry. I said what I said. To prove my point Sierra and Zaddy start having a beach chair make out sesh. I hate being right all the time.

Shanea slides up to Logan for a poolside chat, which is distressing to Hailey because she already “connected” with Logan in the 30 hours they have now been there. Honestly, I am not convinced Logan knows he is talking to Shanea and not Hailey because they look very similar, and Logan has already proven to us that names are not his strong suit with the whole Lace/Luce debacle. To be fair I don’t know how anyone knows anyone’s names at this point given they are drunk 100% of the time they are awake.

Logan and Shanea have moved from the pool to the ocean and are now frolicking and making out. I am still not convinced he realizes that he is with Shanea and not Hailey, but Hailey knows she is not Shanea and is currently spiraling and strategizing. Cut to her chat with Logan where she says she wanted to talk with him today but didn’t want to bother him and Shanea, and he seems genuinely confused by what she is talking about because, again, he thinks Hailey and Shanea are the same person. Who is going to tell him???

Another date card arrives and Hailey hopes it is for her so she can reclaim Logan, so of course Shanea’s name is on it. These producers sure hate drama! Shanea chooses Logan, obviously, and I think this is the first time he realizes that Shanea and Hailey are two different people, but he’s gonna go with it regardless.

Shanea and Logan’s date is at a bar filled with locals (?). At least its not empty like ____ date last night. They look like they are genuinely having a good time dancing with the ABC paid extras and drinking margs. Logan tells Shanea there is no one he would rather be with. I’m sort of feeling this new couple. I am still rooting for Shanea and Jacob though. I feel like that would be a seriously missed soulmate connection. Fingers crossed for the remaining 16 days!

It’s nighttime now and 1) where is Wells?? and 2) Justin and Victoria are STILL not back from their date??? They left at like 10am!! Where the hell is this mountain spring??

Oooh shit so Twitter was blowing up last night about some kind of drama with someone named “Salley” and a vibrator. I have never heard of a contestant named Salley and because I didn’t read the spoilers I remain unclear whether Salley is a person, or someone has a vibrator named Salley. BUT BUT Genevieve just said if anyone was going to steal Justin from her she thought it was going to be “Salley” since according to Instagram Justin was all over Salley at Stagecoach this year!!! OK clearly Salley is about to walk in and I can’t wait to see who this person is. How do I not remember a cast member named SALLEY?! Who TF is named Salley these days? Side note – Bach producers really need to get their shit together and start filming at Stagecoach because clearly that’s where the real dramatic hookup shit is going on.

OMG, so Lace is getting ready alone in the suite and there is just a random ass suitcase parked there with a name tag that says “SALLEY” on it. THE PLOT THICKENS!!

Lace is confused because there is no one there named Salley!! And she is determined to get to the bottom of this!!! So she goes to Geneveive’s little pow wow with the girls and tells them there is something in the room they have to see (why she couldn’t just say “there is a suitcase with the name tag Salley on it, no one knows). But the producers wanted a shot of the girls freaking out over a black rolly suitcase with the words Salley on it, and what the producers want the producers get! The girls to see the suitcase and freak out as expected.

Now we are getting some background on Salley courtesy of Kira’s confessional interview. Salley is the girl from Clayton’s season who left BEFORE the season even started. She approached Clayton in the hotel pre-night one and confessed that this was hard for her because she just ended things with her fiancé, blah blah. He then offers he a rose since she is your standard Bachelor-level hot – very thin, long blonde extensions, etc. – which she DECLINED because she decided she wasn’t over her fiancé!! And apparently this chick has been hanging with the Bach crew ever since, even though she never even made it on a season!? This is amazing.

So as any normal girls would they decide to collectively go through Salley’s suitcase by dumping it on the ground and sorting through everything. And they discover….. a green vibrator!! The horror!!!! Which they threaten each other with, giggling. Are we 12 years old and living in the year 1950?

I am starting to think the point of this show is not to help singles find love, but to create a special torture chamber just for Genevieve. She feels targeted by this Salley revelation. And to be fair she sort of is being targeted.

Wells is back behind the bar – finally – and the girls ask him what’s up with Salley’s bag. Which launches him into a fairly hilarious cut scene reenactment of the Salley drama, narrated by Wells and starring Wells.

It’s actually kind of funny and I hate myself for admitting this. Wells can act. Basically after what happened with Salley bailing the first time she was on them show, the producers went to personally escort her to Paradise to make sure she got on the plane, which led to Salley dragging them on a trip to her ex-fiancé’s house for her to talk to him while a producer had to hide in a trunk for four hours (if this story is true, it’s insane), after which Salley announces her fiancé has confirmed he no longer loves her and wants her to go to Paradise. The producer (played by Wells in a wig) takes Salley back home to pack, then to the airport where they check Salley in. BUT THEN Salley gets phone call from her ex and starts sobbing in the airport and DOESN’T GET ON THE PLANE, but her bag did, hence her bag being in Paradise and Salley is not. Whew. And according to Wells, Salley is still on her way. The cast is SCANDALIZED by this story, and somehow Salley’s green dildo has made it down to the bar and everyone is playing with it.

Kira was at Stagecoach and is now torturing Genevieve by telling her about witnessing Justin and Salley all over each other. Kira then takes Salley’s green vibrator into a bedroom and mischievously closes the door. Kira was made to be on this show and I hope she is on every season.

Justin and Victoria are FINALLY back from their date and it seems to have gone pretty well. This does not bode well for Genevieve’s emotional state. I thought Justin was a nice guy but I am getting serious player vibes from him now. Not really a fan anymore. Justin finally talks to Genevieve and she tells him she’s over it. He doesn’t like this because he wants all his options on the table, but Genevieve doesn’t want to be someone’s option. Justin is annoyed he isn’t getting what he wants. Love that for him.

Romeo and Jill are chatting and looking like one of the happier stronger couples, but OH NO cut to Romeo’s confessional where he tells us he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship on Day 2. Which makes him sound like a jerk but he’s actually being super reasonable. Apparently Harvard taught him something.

So naturally he ditches the convo with Jill and goes and talks to Brittany – who I have not seen once since this show started. No idea who this person is. Brittany is kind of uncomfortable because Jill is her friend, and tells this to Romeo. Which prompts Romeo to cut right to the chase and tells Brittany he wants to pursue something with her (!!!), despite playing happy families with Jill 10 seconds ago. Brittany looks like a deer in the headlights and Romeo, who cannot read any signs, goes in for a kiss and Brittany literally pushes him away from her. GOOD FOR YOU BRITTANY!! She’s like – I don’t want to be in your love triangle, and Jill is my friend. Romeo’s takeaway is that Brittany is totally into him but he just needs to sort out shit with Jill first, cut to Brittany in the confessional saying she would literally rather get hit by a bus than accept a rose from Romeo. LOL.

Brittany promptly relays the entire convo to Jill, which is an amazing exercise of girl code, and this is NOT going to end well for Romeo. He pulls Jill aside to mansplain to her that “this is Paradise and we are here to explore all our options” OMG thank you, Romeo, Jill would have been SO confused about where she was if not for you! She rolls her eyes at his lame-ass shit and walks away and he chases her down the beach. Romeo has screwed all the pooches and he’s wandering around the beach and crying and squatting in the ocean. Jill appropriately observes that Romeo has no right to act all distraught when he literally caused this situation. Remember – Jill and Romeo had a thing back home and this was supposed to be their second chance at love together. Jill has every right to be pissed.

Thank god we just fast forwarded through the entire next day to the rose ceremony. I could not take another night without some ANSWERS. There are only a few “couples” and I have no idea who most these guys are giving roses to and they probably don’t either because they are still learning everyone’s names.

Romeo attempts to smooth things over with Jill, but he has zero understanding what he did wrong, and he denies that he tried to hurt her, to which Jill accurately points out that he made a series of conscious choices that did hurt her. Jill tells Romeo the door is firmly shut and she would reject his rose. YAAAS QUEEN JILL.

Romeo is now wandering around like a lost puppy shooting his shot with literally anyone he sees. He walks up to Hailey out of the blue and says he “feels good about her” to which she says – “yeah, no.” He then wanders over to Kira, who remember he also had a thing with back home, and says he regrets shutting down their spark early, to which she responds “yeah you are shady I dont trust you.” Romeo fucked around, and now he is finding out!!

Well, I should have known better than to hope for any resolution in the form of a rose ceremony tonight. Why have it tonight when they can stretch it out to tomorrow night??

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