Bachelor in Paradise is back and the weeks of your life you lost sitting through the past year’s seasons of Bachelor and Bachelorette are about to finally pay off in the form of vaguely recognizing maybe half the cast members. Personally I’ve never missed an episode of Bach/lorette and I still only recognize about five people.

Let’s start off with the most important thing about this season (besides Lace, who will we get to in a second). OLD PARADISE IS BACK, BABY. Post- Corinne Olympios/ DeMario Jackson hot tub blackout sexual encounter/ assault back in 2017, Paradise has been a shell of it’s former self. Don’t get me wrong – I think what happened with Corinne was bad and handled by the show even worse. And DeMario has since been credibly accused of rape by three more women since, sooo there’s that.

The result of this scandal was the show missing the rest of the season, then coming back with limited drinking, no more Hideaway/ sex loft, and no more hot tub. Look, the drinking, hideaway, and hot tub were not to blame – DeMario was. But the show had to make a gesture and this was it.

Apparently the producers have decided that five years is enough time for the show to spend in Horny Gulag, and now the show is back to its old drunk whoring ways again. They aren’t even trying to hide it – the promotional poster for the season is literally two pool floaty swans fucking, with the tagline (in case you couldn’t get the point with the swans) “everybody’s down to flock.” FLOCK. GET IT!?!?!? I think the show might need to go back to Horny Gulag just for that poster.

So welcome back to copious amounts of liquor day and night (one girl is literally clutching a wine glass stumbling around in the sand at 10am), everyone is constantly chocolate-wasted, and THE HIDEAWAY IS BACK BABY (renamed the “Boom boom room” which feels like an overcorrection but OK). Also back is the infamous hot tub/ scene of the crime, and it’s wasting no time seeing some action.

The cast this season is what you would expect – heavy on rejects from recent Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, with a few OG’s sprinkled in. One of which is Lace. Still more to come on the precious jewel that is Lace.

Here we go with the intro videos which means these people will likely play a major role in the season:

Hunter – No idea who this person is and I don’t remember her at all but she is taking a dump on national TV. Which kind of feels like an allegory for this show.

Johnny – Is an amateur rapper? This is terrible.

Serene – Barely remember her. Wasn’t she on Paradise last season? I think she is a wholesome school teacher. Another girl too good for Clayton. Oh wait she is here for Brandon from Michelle’s season. He’s cute and seems nice. They are also spending a lot of time on them in this intro so obviously they will either have an epic love story (for 18 days) or horrific trauma I mean drama.

Jacob – Likes being naked and drinking margaritas. I’m really over the naked thing from Kenny last season which was sooo awk and forced. Also Jacob likes a natural yet tamed eyebrow on a woman. Way too specific, clearly he’s a psycho. Next.

Genevieve – High maintenance and hilarious. Side note – can the bachelor stop body shaming women by blurring out their butts in a cheeky bikini? This is literally the standard in women’s swimwear these days and ABC is acting like its a full frontal dick.

Shanea – The villain everyone hates to hate. She has no redeeming qualities except she gives zero fucks and I guess that is something. She’s an evil liar and I think she is a producer plant. She is interested in Justin and I dont know who he is.

Justin – doing ballet in the sand and he thinks his wife is on the beach. I don’t think it is Shanea, but Shanea thinks its Shanea so this will be fun to watch.

Jill – looking for her cat-daddy. The cat lady stereotype is sooooo unique and funny, good job production!!! Oh, and she’s ready to “let her freak flag fly.” And that flag is that she likes to play with and feed her cats? OH WAIT WTF, are those taxidermied cats?! OK this just took a turn. What the actual hell is happening.

Michael A. – America’s favorite widowed dad from Katie’s season. Everyone loved him but I found him super intense and cringey. Still, has potential to not be a total piece of shit which is the best you can ask for in this crowd.

Cut scene to Jesse Palmer who is, as always, the best part of the show. This is his first time in Paradise and he is here for a good time and a long time. Bring on the beach arrivals!

First to arrive is Serene, further cementing she will be a central focus of the season, likely with the man of her dreams (Brandon) whom she has never met and only seen on TV (much like me and Charlie Hunnam).

Next up is Joel, and Jesse promptly comments on his “jacked bod,” which would be totally cool for Jesse to say to a female contestant.

Genevieve is in the house! I think she will be here awhile. She’s pretty and relatively not awful.

Ew. Daddy Joel’s first impressions of Genivive and Serene are that they are “youthful”. Go home dad, you’re drunk.

Now we have Johnny the rapper. He could either be funny or terrible. Johnny is the whitest person to ever be white and seems pretty un-self aware but he is mildly attractive by Bachelor standards so I see some hot tub make outs for him in the future. NEVERMIND HE IS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF EXCLUSIVELY IN THE THIRD PERSON. DO NOT PASS GO, EXCEPT TO GO HOME.

Now we have Teddi “the virgin” (her words, not mine). She’s really pretty and they have a cut scene to Michael in slow-mo gazing at here so my guess is he shoots his shot early and goes home. Michael talks about how not awkward this is and then proceeds to have an awkward silence with her in which he reveals he has a happy face painted on his big toe nail. If you’re confused you are not alone.

Now we have Casey who calls himself the geriatric stud muffin at the positively ancient age of 37. He acknowledges he is a “lesser-known person” on the show and I agree since 1) I have never seen him before in my life and 2) he also got no intro so clearly doesn’t last long.

Now we have Sierra taking tequila shots with Jesse and asking us if her “tits look good.” I mean at least she knows what the show is all about.

Naked Jacob has arrived in full Tarzan-mode. Again, this was already done last season and it’s tired. He did get an intro so I foresee a brief doomed romance for him. I predict he overestimates his appeal and tries to play too many women at once and gets burned by them all when they realize “free spirit” is just code for “can’t commit.”

Cut to the men having a male pow-wow and ONCE AGAIN Joel is talking about all the beautiful women. He really needs to stop. I dont know if he is just a key player this season or he is constantly making gross comments.

Who do the girls not want to arrive? Shanea. Who is arriving now? Three guesses. This show is truly fresh and unpredictable.

Shanea sits down with her new frenemies and everyone is super welcoming (/sarcasm). The guys are talking about how beautiful she is. An honest allegory for life in general.

Justin shows up and according to Jesse’s brief convo with him, Justin has been the subject of many many meme’s. I have not seen a single meme of Justin. Genevieve’s dreams are coming true because she is here for Justin. She informs us needs to talk to him EXACTLY ONCE to decide whether she wants to marry him or not, which feels like a very reasonable standard.

Cut to that aforementioned first conversation between Justin and Genevieve. They are talking about him wearing sneakers on the beach and he says it’s because some people are weird about guys “with their feet out” – Genevieve admits she has crocs with a Narwhal on them and Justin admits he does not know what that is. Justin is now listing his favorite fruits and apparently he finds pears underrated, but Genevieve likes pears!!! How will this ever work!! This is a scintillating conversation and I could watch them all day.

Shanea and nakey Jakey are talking and honestly these two are perfect for each other. They are both beautiful attention whores and OH THEY ARE KISSSSSSSSING!!!!! Dolphins are jumping, cast and crew are watching, and I am ready for the show to end and for these two to get engaged and live happily ever after. Shanea informs Jacob she is not having sex with him on the first night, and he then promptly ditches her and jumps into the water with Hailey.

LACE IS IN THE HOUSE. Everyone is ignoring her at their own peril. She is from BIP 3 which was seven years ago and she should have been on every season since and in the future. She is also 32 as she constantly reminds us and in Bachelor years she is basically a shriveled old hag.

Next to arrive is Logan from Gabby and Rachel’s season. He’s the one who switched from Rachel to Gabby halfway through and then was immediately sent home. I actually found him pretty attractive and genuine and I predict he will go far.

Now it’s time for Brandon to arrive and make Serene’s dreams come true #letsgobrandon. Brandon is also into Serene right back, and per my predictions from 30 min ago they will be the couple of the show and make it to the end and get be engaged.

Here we go Brandon and Serene’s first convo. SPARKS ARE FLYING AND THEY ARE KISSING. Brandon and Serene for president. Jointly. The cast also predicts they will get engaged and are meant to be. I feel validated.

Someone named Romeo is here. I guess he was on Michelle’s season. He admits that since he was on Michelle’s season he has hung out with a “few of Clayton’s girls” – including Jill and Kyra. He also professes that he’s been living his “best life” since – aka he’s been a grade A fuckboy. But Jill was apparently his favorite conquest and he hopes she is here. (Who is Jill again?)

Romeo asks how Jill’s “cat” is. Uh huh. Cat. Wait did she have the taxidermied cats? Romeo and Jill collectively wonder why their “good thing” outside of the show ended, and whether it was because he went and kissed Kyra behind her back and GUESS WHO IS COMING TO DINNER!!!! Kyra is here because of course. Jill has murder in her eyes and actually quite gracefully removes herself from the picture to give Kyra and Romeo space to catch up. I predict Jill stays and Kyra goes.

Here is Brittany (who?) who is into Michael A which implies there are two Michael’s here and I don’t remember which is which because I am drunk now. This show is so. Long.

Jesse is rallying the troops and thank god no more people are arriving tonight because I already can only keep track of about four people so far.

Jesse lists the Paradise success stories and asks who the next Joe and Serena will be. I am confused. Serena is here. Someone help me.

The men have the roses this week which means the girls will be grafting hard and the men will be acting like child kings from the 18th century aka entitled little shits. The best part about this show is when the tables turn and the men have to grovel to the women after being absolute jerks.

Tarzan/ Jacob admits he cant remember anyone’s names including the girl he kissed. Same dude, same. Wow all the girls want Michael A. Apparently the “A” is for AKA ZADDY.

WELLSSSSSSSSS is back, newly married and ready to party/ give actually good advice that no one is sober enough to remember.

A date card arrives for Andrew and he invites Teddi on a date. Andrew did not get an intro so I assume he doesn’t make it far but I am open to being proven wrong (I’m not).

Michael A now has “zaddy” listed as his profession on his cut screens.

Andrew and Teddi’s date is in an empty mexican restaurant which seems super romantic. Andrew is intimidated by Teddi and acting so awkward I can’t watch. I can see Teddi’s expectations based on Andrew’s Instagram slowly and painfully leaving her body, along with her soul.

Genevieve is back walking around drunk with Justin and she is saying she is open to giving him another chance even after he thought a narwhal was a “sea unicorn.” Some awkward convo between them and then an obligatory awkward kiss. I predict he gives her his rose, and then she dumps him when she has the rose next week. He doesn’t know what a narwhal is, people!!!! Now they are kissing in the hot tub. Somebody’s gotta break it in!

I got drunk and tired and went to bed halfway through this episode so let me summarize the rest – drama erupts between Romeo and the two women he slept with outside of the show – Kyra who is “not here to make good descions” (she clearly understood the assignment) and taxidermy Jill.

Lace climbs into bed to have a drunk cry over no one paying attention to her even though she is “the hottest she’s ever been in her life.” PAY ATTENTION TO LACE PEOPLE SHE IS A GEM AND MUST BE PROTECTED AT ALL COSTS!! Logan heard my pleas and gives her a nice little pity chat on the chairs because apparently it’s her birthday, but he calls her LUCE instead of LACE and she literally can’t even with him.

The episode ends the next morning with fresh faced Victoria from (???) season showing up ready to steal Justin from Genevieve. I bet that goes over well!! Guess we will see next week!